I don't who first ever came up with the idea of 'after works drinks' but really they should be shot.
Mixing people who work with each other day in day out, with a couple of jugs of alcohol, sprinkle with measly snacks and simmer with a year's worth of niggling pet peeves and steaming office chemistry and you've got a dead set recipe for disaster.
From my own personal and colleague's experience (the last 24 hours as a case in point) here are some things you should never... ever.. ever do at a work drinks
1) Think that every table is a podium and must be danced on..
2) Grab your bosses bum and give it a slap several times while pretending to be a cowgirl
3) Participate in a dance off between yourself and the IT guy which involves breaking out the 'microwave', 'fish', 'Typewriter', 'burgular' and robot moves
4) Interupt every person's conversation at the drinks shouting 'stop talking, lets start dancing' or 'a little less conversation, a little more action'
5) Get carried away when Lady Marmalade comes on and do an impromtu strip tease, which involves trying to take the shirts off every male office colleague in the room
6) Take off your shoes and use them as props to aid your dancing
7) Request Bonnie Tylers 'Total eclipse of a heart' to the DJ 10 times over the course of one hour then do a karoke impersonation on one of the tables, serenading the ugliest guy in the room
8) Attempt to do the limbo without the stick in front of everyone in the room
9) Randomly grab the office crush and give him a pash in front of all the admin staff (ie biggest gossips ever known to man)
10) Proceed to vomit on crush's shoes straight after kiss
xx
jh
Showing posts with label office romance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label office romance. Show all posts
Friday, 12 November 2010
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
Learning the hard way x 10
While thinking about office romances and the many ones which have inadvertently gone awry I would like to share the top 10 lessons I've learnt the hard way:
1) Readjusting clothing and make up and hair after a mid day or mid morning nookie in work toilets is never sexy. There's nowhere to have a shower. You will smell of shagness all day and people will know it. Fact.
2) Nothing can ever be kept as 'friends' after the end of an office romance. That is just the cue for subversive flirting with others to make the ex jealous. Cue inappropriate clothes (the skirt with the longer split, cleaveage tops and etc). Also the increase in changing outfits before going out after work just to show them what they are missing. This always happens, embrace it and press the jealousy button to the max.
3) Playing with your pen seductively is not effective in meetings when you are trying to get the attention of your office amor to-be. It will only end up leaving an ink stain on your lips or getting it caught in your hair like I have. Nothing sexier than having a pen knotted in your hair and an ink stain on your lips. NOT
4) You might think your mutliple trips to water coler are not noticed, but they are. So 8 trips to the watercooler in one day either shows you have bunny boiler potential or have the water absorption of a camel
5) The walkway to the water cooler is not a catwalk. Strutting makes you look silly, refrain as best you can. However, sexy shoes are essential, if you don't have a pair buy some, otherwise trips to watercooler are forbidden. The best form of flirting is done through your feet. Fact
6) Restrict flirty emails to once a day. Sending 10 emails back to back on potential holiday places you'd think they'd like is not a way of flirting. Its called cyber workplace stalking. Also Sending him multiple pokes on facebook or your office IM is not cute. Its annoying
7) Having a spontaneous coitus maximus session in the office might sounds mighty sexy in fantasy, but it simply isn't possible in reality. It requires planning for when others aren't in office. And make sure if you make a random stop, out of office hours that there isn't video security footage filming your entry and exit. This is so when it comes down to finding out who is responsible for the stray condom wrapper left under the boardroom table it can't be pinned on you. On that note, there is a high degree of satisfaction that comes from doing the nasty on your boss's or superiors desk. You'll never look at boardroom or the office meetings the same way again.
8) Do not ever, ever ever tell anyone about it. Secret squirell all the way. Think of two ants under a microscope, frying under the glare of the sun. That would be you. Not fun at all.
9) Never ever ask a colleague out off the bat, casually invite them to group drinking scenarios so bonding, touching and more drinking can occur. Trying to 'date' properly in the office is just plain silly and awkward. Image first date nerves x 1000 all day ever day.
10) Keep calm. If they haven't called in a few days and yet they are sitting opposite you, remain calm and in control, nothing screams desperate more than emailing them every day to ask them how their day is or making up stories which detail your fantastic social exploits. No one is ever 'that' interesting out of the office.
11) additional note - always, I repeat, always keep a spare set of clothes at office, you never know what opportunity may crop up when you need a second pair of clothes because the shag against the male toilets led you falling into the urinal or from when you've been an all night stop out and need to avoid wearing the same clothes two days in a row.
I'm sure there are more but thats it for now
xx
jh
1) Readjusting clothing and make up and hair after a mid day or mid morning nookie in work toilets is never sexy. There's nowhere to have a shower. You will smell of shagness all day and people will know it. Fact.
2) Nothing can ever be kept as 'friends' after the end of an office romance. That is just the cue for subversive flirting with others to make the ex jealous. Cue inappropriate clothes (the skirt with the longer split, cleaveage tops and etc). Also the increase in changing outfits before going out after work just to show them what they are missing. This always happens, embrace it and press the jealousy button to the max.
3) Playing with your pen seductively is not effective in meetings when you are trying to get the attention of your office amor to-be. It will only end up leaving an ink stain on your lips or getting it caught in your hair like I have. Nothing sexier than having a pen knotted in your hair and an ink stain on your lips. NOT
4) You might think your mutliple trips to water coler are not noticed, but they are. So 8 trips to the watercooler in one day either shows you have bunny boiler potential or have the water absorption of a camel
5) The walkway to the water cooler is not a catwalk. Strutting makes you look silly, refrain as best you can. However, sexy shoes are essential, if you don't have a pair buy some, otherwise trips to watercooler are forbidden. The best form of flirting is done through your feet. Fact
6) Restrict flirty emails to once a day. Sending 10 emails back to back on potential holiday places you'd think they'd like is not a way of flirting. Its called cyber workplace stalking. Also Sending him multiple pokes on facebook or your office IM is not cute. Its annoying
7) Having a spontaneous coitus maximus session in the office might sounds mighty sexy in fantasy, but it simply isn't possible in reality. It requires planning for when others aren't in office. And make sure if you make a random stop, out of office hours that there isn't video security footage filming your entry and exit. This is so when it comes down to finding out who is responsible for the stray condom wrapper left under the boardroom table it can't be pinned on you. On that note, there is a high degree of satisfaction that comes from doing the nasty on your boss's or superiors desk. You'll never look at boardroom or the office meetings the same way again.
8) Do not ever, ever ever tell anyone about it. Secret squirell all the way. Think of two ants under a microscope, frying under the glare of the sun. That would be you. Not fun at all.
9) Never ever ask a colleague out off the bat, casually invite them to group drinking scenarios so bonding, touching and more drinking can occur. Trying to 'date' properly in the office is just plain silly and awkward. Image first date nerves x 1000 all day ever day.
10) Keep calm. If they haven't called in a few days and yet they are sitting opposite you, remain calm and in control, nothing screams desperate more than emailing them every day to ask them how their day is or making up stories which detail your fantastic social exploits. No one is ever 'that' interesting out of the office.
11) additional note - always, I repeat, always keep a spare set of clothes at office, you never know what opportunity may crop up when you need a second pair of clothes because the shag against the male toilets led you falling into the urinal or from when you've been an all night stop out and need to avoid wearing the same clothes two days in a row.
I'm sure there are more but thats it for now
xx
jh
Don't pee in the pool
Work crushes, office flings, romance via post it notes. Could it be any more romantic? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever swooned at the water cooler at my dream man as he effeciently tidies his intray. When the thought of casual dress day makes your heart beat faster just at the prospect of seeing them in jeans. The taboo dress code for the office city worker Forget drunken pash and dashes in bars and pubs over london. The office is the place where most hearts are joined and broken these days. But it seems the recession has made a bit of a dent in the sucess of the office unions of late. This is despite currently having three friends at the moment in the throes of office related passion or desire.
Its such a phenomenon that there's sites dedciated to guides on how to survive with an office romance or how to make that dream co-worker, you're co-coitus maximus partner and just recently in london down its now been taken to the stage..
I'm in the throes of office desire as I write, well two desires actually. After a rather awkward slightly animalistic sex dream about a co-worker who I previously had not held any fanciful fantasies about I am now betwitched. I have resolved to strap myself to the desk, and not in a kinky way I'm afraid. That was for the boardroom a couple of years ago during another office fling which sadly went awry. No I'm determined not to let myself 'pee in the pool' as they say. Since the dream every nod, glance, laugh and sultry lift of the eyebrows has been beamed over to me as evidence of my crush being mutually held.
As if one crush is not enough, I also hold a tiny flame for a fellow office friend who is much akin to the office labrador. Friendly, jokey, always sending funny emails and up for random nights out drinking. But to make this story a real story, I've been his counsel as he tries to lure the girl of his dreams (of course she works with me as well) into his arms. It reads like a proverbial mills and boons I know but what is it about the office that makes it the breeding ground for crushes? It is the token familiarity and bond that people share with their coworkers, or is it our minds way of making the tedium of daily work endurable and providing a welcome distraction?
I really don't know but what I can say is that without a doubt I've had multiple work crushes at one point or another at every place I've worked. Most unrequited, some returned (case of the boardroom referenced above) and most generally die away.
I can site a million and one cases of office amor which has gone awry but it doesn't stop us trying does it? But at least I can be thankful I haven't done this!
So while I sit in my lunch hour with my unrequited, dishing out advice on how to win his ultimate water cooler crush, I'll also be thinking of that boardroom and what fun could be had....
there's always next week
xx
jh
Its such a phenomenon that there's sites dedciated to guides on how to survive with an office romance or how to make that dream co-worker, you're co-coitus maximus partner and just recently in london down its now been taken to the stage..
I'm in the throes of office desire as I write, well two desires actually. After a rather awkward slightly animalistic sex dream about a co-worker who I previously had not held any fanciful fantasies about I am now betwitched. I have resolved to strap myself to the desk, and not in a kinky way I'm afraid. That was for the boardroom a couple of years ago during another office fling which sadly went awry. No I'm determined not to let myself 'pee in the pool' as they say. Since the dream every nod, glance, laugh and sultry lift of the eyebrows has been beamed over to me as evidence of my crush being mutually held.
As if one crush is not enough, I also hold a tiny flame for a fellow office friend who is much akin to the office labrador. Friendly, jokey, always sending funny emails and up for random nights out drinking. But to make this story a real story, I've been his counsel as he tries to lure the girl of his dreams (of course she works with me as well) into his arms. It reads like a proverbial mills and boons I know but what is it about the office that makes it the breeding ground for crushes? It is the token familiarity and bond that people share with their coworkers, or is it our minds way of making the tedium of daily work endurable and providing a welcome distraction?
I really don't know but what I can say is that without a doubt I've had multiple work crushes at one point or another at every place I've worked. Most unrequited, some returned (case of the boardroom referenced above) and most generally die away.
I can site a million and one cases of office amor which has gone awry but it doesn't stop us trying does it? But at least I can be thankful I haven't done this!
So while I sit in my lunch hour with my unrequited, dishing out advice on how to win his ultimate water cooler crush, I'll also be thinking of that boardroom and what fun could be had....
there's always next week
xx
jh
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