Don't pee in the pool

Work crushes, office flings, romance via post it notes. Could it be any more romantic? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever swooned at the water cooler at my dream man as he effeciently tidies his intray. When the thought of casual dress day makes your heart beat faster just at the prospect of seeing them in jeans. The taboo dress code for the office city worker Forget drunken pash and dashes in bars and pubs over london. The office is the place where most hearts are joined and broken these days. But it seems the recession has made a bit of a dent in the sucess of the office unions of late. This is despite currently having three friends at the moment in the throes of office related passion or desire.


Its such a phenomenon that there's sites dedciated to guides on how to survive with an office romance or how to make that dream co-worker, you're co-coitus maximus partner and just recently in london down its now been taken to the stage..


I'm in the throes of office desire as I write, well two desires actually. After a rather awkward slightly animalistic sex dream about a co-worker who I previously had not held any fanciful fantasies about I am now betwitched. I have resolved to strap myself to the desk, and not in a kinky way I'm afraid. That was for the boardroom a couple of years ago during another office fling which sadly went awry. No I'm determined not to let myself 'pee in the pool' as they say. Since the dream every nod, glance, laugh and sultry lift of the eyebrows has been beamed over to me as evidence of my crush being mutually held.


As if one crush is not enough, I also hold a tiny flame for a fellow office friend who is much akin to the office labrador. Friendly, jokey, always sending funny emails and up for random nights out drinking. But to make this story a real story, I've been his counsel as he tries to lure the girl of his dreams (of course she works with me as well) into his arms. It reads like a proverbial mills and boons I know but what is it about the office that makes it the breeding ground for crushes? It is the token familiarity and bond that people share with their coworkers, or is it our minds way of making the tedium of daily work endurable and providing a welcome distraction?


I really don't know but what I can say is that without a doubt I've had multiple work crushes at one point or another at every place I've worked. Most unrequited, some returned (case of the boardroom referenced above) and most generally die away.


I can site a million and one cases of office amor which has gone awry but it doesn't stop us trying does it? But at least I can be thankful I haven't done this!


So while I sit in my lunch hour with my unrequited, dishing out advice on how to win his ultimate water cooler crush, I'll also be thinking of that boardroom and what fun could be had....


there's always next week
xx
jh

Final warning to all london men - no more BSGB

Thinking about the potential gentleman codes of conduct made think of all the BSGB I've come across. Bad Single Guy Behaviour that it is. I know lots of girls are guilty of giving men the run around in London, but never have I come across such bad manners or behaviour than  when I first arrived in London. Australian men aren't overly romantic, in fact they aren't overly complicated but you tend to know where you stand with them and while they might have BO now and again they don't have really bad bedroom etiquette.

English men its time to clean up your act, I fancy circulating a flyer at all the countless speed dating events in London just ot get the message out there. At the top of the list would be:

• Non reciprocal fellatio is unforgivable. Full stop. If a man won't go down on a girl but wants you to do it to him he clearly has something against pussies and therefore should be shown the door. A man should worship the area and feel grateful to be granted access to it
• Despite what you make think, waiting games do not make us want you more. In fact it does the opposite, the only ones who end up wanting you more are the bunny boilers so perhaps you deserve it. No we won't have sex with you more quickly if you wait a week to respond to a message, in fact it reduces your chances of being admitted to the land of the vagina by more than two thirds. Known fact. Unless you are an astronaut, or swimmer who for some unknown reason can't be near a phone then the mantra with messages is you recieve one, you respond to it. Promptly. 
• The butt area is forbidden. This speaks for itself, caresses only and compliments are welcome. Men obsessed with anal should consult with a blow up dummy or some porn. I say this despite being actually quite fond of it, as most sexually adventurous and open girls do but it has to be done with a person you have a measured sense of trust for. Put a ring on my finger and you can enter the one way street buddy. If not, we could perhaps experiment with a strap on if you are that obssessed.
• Cheat if you dare. If you decide to sleep around and cheat be prepared for the consequences. In this day and age there is no need for lying and playing games. After a thrill? lets go have sex outside where we could get caught or in your best friends wardrobe. Don't think you will get away with it, no one ever does and when the shit hits the fan you really don't want to deal with a woman scorned. 
• Space? Saying you need space to anyone you are dating is just not acceptable. Like space? Need it badly? Become a bloody astronaut
• Saying I love you but I'm not in love with you is sufficient reason enough for the death penalty. The man may as well have taken a chainshaw to your heart and sliced and diced it to pieces and laughed. If you don't love me, lie and then leave. The next man who says this to me will experience real pain. This is the only instance in which lying is ok in a relationship.
• Nookie cookie. If you don't want a relationship and only want sex be man enough to admit it. I will not punish a man who is honest enough to say what he wants. More than likely he will be rewarded with access to the pussy playground. 
• Me Jane, You Tarzan. Don't assume all women are the same and want the same things. Don't assume the psycho ex that is still stalking you on facebook has the same qualities as every other woman and that we are all after your assets. News flash, its 2010 and we can buy our own assets. The only assets we covet are the ones in your pants.
• OH OH no. Don't be selfish in the distribution of orgasms, share the love and give it as much as you can to the woman you're with. If you only look afte ryourself you may soon find yourself in short supply or left in the company of your left hand. Don't tempt the orgasm karma goods who'll strike you down with impotence for this level of selfishness. Besides, if the poor woman has stuck around despite the lack of orgasms I guarantee you she isn't happy and it won't be long before she is looking for her orgasms elsewhere
• Fabio is a fallacy. News flash - you don't have the magical gift of making a woman orgasm just b looking at her and randomly probing your fingers back and forth. It actually requires some deterixty and effort. Just because she moans, it doesn't mean its from passion. The problematic thing here is if you tell a man you're faking it or not experiencing the big O he gets insecure and starts feeling terrible about himself. Hello?? What about the poor woman who isn't getting her rocks off?  So the moral of the story is boys and girls, don't think you are gods gift, listen and ask its the least you can do. Van Gogh didn't become an artist over night and you can't become the god of sex just because you own one of the key instruments.
• Groundskeeping - keep the bush trimmed. No one likes to experience public hair flossing. Believe ir ot not, the reason most women get waxed/shaved is for the ease of access and presentation, not because we enjoy having hair follicles ripped out of our skin and sensitive bits. How do you think your lady feels going down to tackle the amazon jungle in which your schlong is hidden? We don't have whipper snippers built into our mouths, so be considerate and trim it. 
• Skidmarks - no one likes them. Don't bring up the Ex or your mother on the first date or dates in general. Its just plain rude, no one asked to see the skid marks on your jocks and you have just done the social dating equivalent. Keep it to yourself, at least until she's seen you naked and knows what she's in for.
• Godzilla or Mighty Mouse. Finally size does matter. Some girls like small, some like big. But size does matter. If you are small, you best have excellent oral and hand skills to make up for the downfall. If not you are being just plain selfish. Every girl will compliment it, regardless of size but deep down they'll have a preference and you'll have to sell yourself. Fact.

I'm seriously considering making a flyer of these thoughts and distributing. The women will thank me and so will the men. Imagine the hours of  hurt, anger and downright dissapointment that could have bene prevented if men knew of these simple guidelines? Lily Allen for one wouldn't be lying in the wet patch fo the bed feeling so hard done by if men knew some of these simple facts.

If only....

jh