Where's your + one?

I dont know about you, but I adore the festive season. I love everything about it. Except one thing. The fact that at this time of year, if you don't have a + one joined to your hip, then you are pitied and type cast as a social pariah faster than you can say ba humbug.

Not wanting to sound like a mournful bridget jones type or someone who is constantly bemoaning their single status, but I have to say, its not the status that upsets me. Its the reactions to it that most annoy me. When is the best time to meet people, have lots to drink and generally have a good jolly time? Christmas time of course, everyone tends to be happy and up for going out and trying new things. Except it is often at those very events that people cling onto their plus ones and ask you earnestly how poor little old, lonely you will be spending your christmas and if there is anyone in your life?

I had this experience 4 times this week, the most recent being last night and two nights ago. It's like asking a fat person,'how are you going being fat? Are you finding the right sizes in shops ok?'

It's fairly obvious I'm single, where is the need to discuss it further.?.But I'm not the only one, just this week I've had three emails from my close girl friends bemoaning just this fact and that they aren't looking forward to the family gathering where their smug married brothers and sisters will be parading their paramour around.

Well to get me through the holidays and to make sure I dont let this pariah status get me down I'm going to follow the following guidelines:

1) Make my own christmas wishes come true 
Make a list of all the things I have done for myself this year and things 'I want for Christmas'. Forget about feeling bad when your sister produces the latest trinket her husband bought her. You can demonstrate the latest Fendi bag you bought for yourself without having to give anyone head to get it. Or lower yourself to constant nagging and suggestive brochure placement around the house

2) Say yes to everything
Christmas is the time for giving so say yes to every opportunity that comes your way even if its looking like it could be boring or a struggle. Go and give it a chance. If it is shit, well you are no worse off but its better than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself and wrapping a pillow up against your back so you can pretend someone is in your bed with you

3)Get into the spirit
Do all things festive. You know the things that girls draaag their boyfriends to and make them endure at much sufferance. Christmas markets, theatre shows, plays, day trips.. everything. Just  recently I went to a play and had to endure a man shuffling, groaning and looking at his watch and huffing and puffing his way through a production of Onassis. He couldn't be bothered and was clearly bored shitless. It begs the question, why the fuck did she bring him? They left at half time fortunately. Some women just like to torture. Just think how much better it is going and doing something you want without anyone else bitching about it

4) Remember that christmas smiles are just a bit of polish
Don't forget when u see a couple strolling or kissing in public or doing sometthing romantic like buying matching drapes or a new duvet (Vomit) that they probably were aruging about his mother just half an hour earlier or he was pissed because she turned off the telling in the middle of a rugby match. All you have to do is stop and listen on oxford street and you can pretty much here the quarelling of a million couples having a tug of war over what they should buy their famlies for christmas. Do you need it? Hell no!And especially when you hear the way they speak to each other. And at those christmas drinks, when one partner is having a great time but is dragged home by the boring, sad, tired, lazy one? That never has to be you this xmas. You are free to leave when and if you like and whoever with.

5) Don't be hard on yourself
Yeah it sometimes sucks to be alone, but for goodness sake you aren't the only one out there. In fact there are more single dining and wining events in london during the festive season then any other time of the year. Make yourself a list of everything you've achieved over the year so you can sprout it forth when Aunt Flan asks you why u don't have any babies around your feet or ring around your finger. Or better yet, answer creatively. Last time someone asked me how it felt to be single this time of year. I said "Great, but its always annoying when you have to replace your bedframe.' Win to you for having animalistic sex and point lost to them for being a nosy parker.

6) Indulge, Indulge, Indulge
While other +one girls are running around doing errands and fixing their house to be the perfect festive venue you can go out and get your nails sorted, hair, treatments, massages, the lot you name it. Your money is your money and to be spent on you alone. Not on doing something 'romantic together' which often ends up with you both bitching about money or about him not doing the dishes..

And if you want to feel better in general. Help out. Go volunteer, if you have free time, go and do something for someone else rather than sitting and stewing on your status or the questions, if and when someone will ask.  It offers great perspective and also makes you appreciate everything you have in your life.

Yes sometimes it sucks not to have a significant other who can whisper sweet nothings in your ear at this time of year. But just remember, that the prospective mouth you are fantasising about in real life would most likely  reek of beer breath and smell of garlic stuffing and hardly be the thing to get your juices going.

Make merry and be merry

xx

jh

Are you a man or a mouse?

My recent experience with the guy who screamed like a girl when he reached the valley of the big O made me think about why he it was he so quickly became not as attractive or appealing to me.

The hard worn path to manliness is a difficult one to tread, and not one which many men do exceedingly well. And in my experience, neither do english men.

I have never met a more effimate bunch of straight men in my life which is what makes dealing and consequently dating them so frustrating and intriguing in the last three years I've been over here and as far as I can tell, its all down to political correctness.

I dont like to typecast a group of men, but english men by definition really are another beast all together. They are completely and utterly clumsy when it comes to flirting in fact, they often just avoid that all together and let drunkeness do the job.  Then when they are well bladdered, they  attempt to kiss or grab the object of their interest  in a dark corner somewhere. I wouldn't say australian men are especially skilled at this and can often also be like bulls in a china shop, but at least they do make it abundantly clear when they are interested.

This week I ended up unintentionally pissing off three men who apparently were interested because I just had no clue whatsoever, apparently a guy at work had his eye on me and got very very upset when he heard of my conquest last week at the work xmas party and now will not talk to me.

The second I met while out and was flirting with him and then was chatting to a friend of mine which he mistook as another love interest and left in a huff. The third is a former BF who has been texting and went MIA for a few days only to come back and accuse me of seeing someone because that could be the only reason I hadn't been in touch with him.

Seriously? I am single. I am not bethrothed or spoken for, nor am I tied to anyone in particular. That is what being single is all about. So frankly,  boys get it together. Man up as the english phrase goes. Grab your balls, check they still exist and bloody make some noise and pusue.

If you want it bad enough to need to put your ego to the side and risk some embarassment by at least taking a risk. Forget being politically correct, if you like my rack just say so.


xx
jh
meanwhile thought I'd share the below aus blog. It says manliness isn't something u take for granted these days, you need to seize it and I completely agree! http://www.thepunch.com.au/articles/manliness-isnt-just-granted-youve-got-to-claim-it/

There's no excuse for bad sex

As the title says, there really is no good excuse for poor performance in the bedroom unless of course, you've spent the last 25 years as a monk in the woods and I am the first woman you've come into contact with and you've only just discovered that not only do women exist, but these strange appealing round globes called breasts.

In my book there really is no reason why neither male nor female should let their sparkle be anything less than orgasm inducing brightness in between the sheets.

Just the other day a close girlfriend of mine who had been enraptured with a guy she had been seeing, suddenly relayed deflatedly that it was over. I was perplexed he sounded like the perfect catch, smart, uber successful, independent, ambitious and most importantly into her. What went wrong? Did he secretly have twelve toes and a dead twin foetus living off his back? Bad breath? Was he a hitter or abuser? Did he secretly have kiddie, or worse stil midget porn tucked in the bathroom cabinet next to the loo?

No. None of the above. It turns out he couldn't perfrom. Correction he could perform per se, as in he rose to the occasion, but was quite simply he was a bad performer, the worst she'd ever had in fact. This includes her first time which was the result of an uninspiring fumble in her high school boyfriend's cubby house. Nice.

How can this happen? In this day and age? People cry about poverty, world hunger, war and the cost of living.  What we should cry the most about is perhaps the single thing that has the potential to give billions around the world untold amounts of happiness but instead leaves many women and men weeping in the corner and reaching for their vibrators or hands as the case may be.

Can I ask, how does a  man reach the age of 29 and not only not quite know the locations of a womans various erogenous zones? and who also thinks its ok to procede to fondle these with the detexterity of a rugby player wrassling with a football?

Its downright depressing and I am now left with a bereft friend who I need to sort out a good shag for before she loses her mojo and faith in good sex altogether.

For those men out there who don't know what qualifies as good sex here is a hit list to consider:

1) It is never ok to expect a girl to go down on you for a long amount of time without you at least returning the favour with your hands, or preferably with your mouth

2) It is never ok to think a blow job has been mutually satifiying for a woman, enough so that its then ok to roll over and go to sleep without making sure she gets her rocks off too. I liken this to the eating a nice tender juicy steak infront of a hungry person and handing them the empty plate

3) Anything more than 25 thrusts is technically diagnosed as premature and the hall markings of a premature ejaculator, if you are extra sensistive, whack off a few rounds beforehand or wear two condoms. No woman deserves one or two pokes and then a cuddle, no matter what she says. She wants to be poked into oblivion

4) Don't try and be complicated about it, a good missionary session is perfectly fine, if you start moving in all kinds of directions and lose rythym, she'll lose hers and there will be no chance of getting it back. She'll just start counting the cracks in the ceiling

5) When you kiss someone passionately, this requires tongue, but not the amount of saliva that would put niagra falls to shame. Kiss her on the lips, not the face, a good ole chin snog is not sexy and makes you feel you've been assaulted by a dog

6) When she says, 'thats good, I like that'. Keep doing it! Don't get ahead of yourself and think right that ticks a box, now onto next one. Girls need consistency to get off, not a game of bump the mouse on the head as many different times as you can

7) If she isn't moaning or groaning in delight, ask her what turns her on and what she'd like. If she is in charge of her own pleasure she'll point you in the right direction, which she probably has been doing all night, you just havent been listening because you were looking forward to a blow job or entering the gateway to pussy heaven

8) Regardless to what most porn demonstrates, women don't actually like being cum on in the face. Especially if it goes in their eye, it stings, it burns and it makes your eye red for two days. I know this. Fact. It's the least erotic thing for them, I would liken this to a girl wanting a guy to wear her lacy underwear and then making him wear a pad as well  to see how it feels because that turns her on. Hot prosepct isnt it?

9) Calling her a'dirty filthy whore' during coitus maximus does not in fact make her wild. It instead makes her brian start ticking over as to what you really think about her, thus inhibiting her from reaching a state of bliss. At the same time, no one wants a conversation while a schlong is going in and out of their woo woo. So keep it simple, 'baby's, 'yeahs' and 'your so hot' and 'fuck that feels good' are always welcome

10) Always give notice of when you are going to cum. Don't just deliver your jetstream and depart the runway without sufficient notice. It's not fair and its inconsiderate. Mutual orgasms at the same time is a rarity, but at least make sure she's close to the finish line before you discharge your starting pistol

just a few thoughts for those in a quandry..

xx

jh

the princess syndrome

I'm probably the only one who heard the news yesterday about kate and william's enagement and didn't do a little twirly dance and shout hurray.

No I suspect that with the royal wedding fever that is set to whip the world into a frothing frenzy, we will also see higher than normal outbreaks of the toxic princess syndrome.

Yes you know what it is. The high maintenance girls out there who have upteenth number of lists that their 'prince charming' must have in order for them to recieve a second bat of their eyelashes. They also demand aristocratic rights over their male partner and brainwash them to such a point that the man will make countless offerings at her temple including gifts and unconditional slavery, only for her to demand more.

Seeing Kate snag her prince charming couldn't have been a more woeful thing to happen for single women out there. I'm all for happy ever afters and romance, but with this to measure up to how can any girl's dreams of being happy with a normal guy in a normal life, survive? Suddenly quite a few of my aquaintances have started saying they'd say yes to nothing but a kate middleton replica ring. And so it begins...

Good on them and I hope Kate and Wills have more luck with it than his parents, but I have to say an ordinary girl snagging a prince is only going to perpuate the myth further. She'll become the every day woman's role model, especially as most of these girls grew up as young girls watching diana get wed. Such a shame that some of the most notable role models in the UK seem to be Katie Price at one end and Kate Middleton at the other. Realistic much?

As a fan of the royal family, but not a steadfast royalist, I have to ask, since when did aspiring to mimic or become royalty become a part of everyone's to do list? You coudn't pay me enough to be part of the incestous pool that is the royals. Yes the queen looks like a nice old duck, prince phillip looks like he'd be a laugh, like a dirty grandad telling rude jokes at every family gathering and harry looks like a right party animal you could share a spliff with out back. But really, would you really want it? All that pressure, all that attention, all that stifling rigidness and decorum? I dare say I wouldn't last 5 mins before I'd be ripping off my bodice and running down the halls with the corgis to go for a nudie run just to break free.

Personally if there is one emotion that I do feel about the pending nuptials, its pity. I feel for her, I'm sure she knows what she's getting into but god I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone. 

So just a day after the announcement I'm already seeing virtual tiara's remerging, diana reminiscing kicking of and the princesses starting to preen themselves. I predict an emergence of more sloany ponies than usual as they look for their ultimate prince - usually a cash laden hedgie. I also predict that more men than ever will be knocked back on than ever due to their shoes, unfashionable look and empty wallets.

So if I were Harry I'd watch out and run a mile at the first glance of a glinting tiara.
xx
jh

show me your love solar panel..

My  latest post on the slimey, predatorial and manipulative ways of the PUA got me thinking about all the conventional and slightly less so pick up lines that have been used on me.

I've decided to list the highlights for some light amusement, there are a couple which haven't been used on me directly but on friends and if they achieve anything, they certainly land a laugh or two...

•  (A guy walks past and empties his glass all over the floor, glass falls all over the floor) - There we go, that breaks the ice, "Hi I'm Jack"
• You're just like a parking ticket. You've got fine written all over you.
• I keep wanting to tell you how beautiful you are from the tips of your toes to the top of your head, but I run out of breath everytime I look in your eyes
• Is that a mirror in your pants or do I just see myself in them?
• See this watch it's a magic watch, it tells me you've got no underwear on.. on hang on, its an hour fast
• Do you believe in love at first sight or do you need me to walk past again?
• There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
• That's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for a love machine.
• How do you like your eggs, fried? poached? or fertilised?
• Was your father a thief? Because he must of stolen the diamonds you have for eyes
• Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
• If I was a squirrel would you let me store my nuts in your hole?
• I want to know where you bought your clothes, because it has destiny written all over it
• I was always dyslexic as a child, for some reason I keep putting U and I together

and my favourite - if I could nominate the 8th wonder of the world, it would be your breasts..

xx
jh

PUA = PUKEY

I've heard of the rumours of Pick Up Artists, I've read countless articles about their styles, moves and supposed successes but I'd never actually come up against one before. Until now that is and with new PUA schools setting up in scotland and over the UK its only a matter of time before they start making more appearances in the festive party scene...

One of my friends rang me up earlier to tell me about one of her experiences which I suspect is the direct result of PUA antics.

Let me set the scene:

S was with her friend and they were at the bar having just ordered a drink and noticed two men at the other end of bar. S and the guy in question shared a few smiles, winks and quite a few eye fucks. You know,  the type of look where they scan you up and down and practically throw you on the floor, then and there, and have their wicked way with you, just with their eyes.

he came over and proceeded to ignore her. Actually correct that, ignore her is a polite way of putting it, he turned his back to her and put all his attentions into the her friend. When S asked him questions he responded with one letter answers before giving her the berlin wall and turning his focus but to her friend and complimenting her endlessly.

To say she was baffled it was an understatement, and his friend was also being rather cold. She looked hot, (my words not hers), she wasn't a mess and can have a decent conversation so she had no clue why the change in tune.

Then all of a sudden, he switched from ston silence and threw a few veiled insults her way when she chimed in once or twice, ....ie.

GIQ(Guy in question) - So M, where have you been while you've lived in UK?
M (her friend) - Lots of places, but have to say my fave spot has been jordan, how about you?
GIQ - Definitely turkey, I love the place and the greek islands..
S - Oh I love the greek islands, my fave spot was corfu have you been there?
GIQ - no I haven't, I heard its a bit uppity, so not really my style... so I really like those earrings you are wearing M, they match your eyes
M: thank you, I got them today, me and s had a big shopping mission
S - yes we literally shopped til we dropped, and i also bought these boots
GIQ - (looks her up and down - twice and says) right. interesting choice
S - yes I like them, funkalicious I think
M: yes very cute
GIQ - Funny how girls think  some things look good and men don't

and it continued on like this for a while.. until S got sick of it and when to the ladies, when she came back, he'd changed his tune and again and started charming her, gently and subtly.. but as this was an australian girl she was having none of it and left with her mate and went home..

This I believe was the very stylings of a PUA. They find a good looking girl, play on her supposed and assumed insecurties and flatter her friends while ignoring her to get her completely in their control . So they can then work their magic so by the end they are grateful for the PUA's attention and will go home with them.

So  a little memo to PUA's out there... a) it doesn't work especially not on Australian women and only does on the bunny boilers b) if its bunny boilers you get then you get what you deserve c) it might catch you some women, but you'll never, ever.. land the good ones. If you want to spend of your life eating carp rather than salmon, then go for it.

xx
jh

Senoritas put your hands up

The sacred art of flirting in the UK is not faring so well. Correction, it's doing dismally according to a new report which has come out from the social networking site, Badoo. It has ranked the top countries of the world on their flirtability and the fire in the pants of their men and women. However it appears the British folk must have been having a cold shower at the time of the survey or  sticking to their 'no sex please, we're British' mantra.

Worse still, Australians aren't even listed. The shame! Mainly at being beaten by the British on any scoreboard. Mind you most Australian men don't excell in the art of flirting. A sad fact. but it's true. They are as obvious as a brick wall and consider staring at your breasts for long periods of time as a successful form of flirting. How can I argue with this logic, afterall it's worked on me before..

In the meantime this flirtatious study, has ranked Spain as the number one flirtalicious country due to its fiesty femme fatales and equally molten muscular men who can make most women melt with their chocolate brown eyes.

It's funny though, in the times I have been to visit Spain I have found the men to be very clear in their flirty, there is no mistaking it, but you soon have to leave the bar due to their persistent efforts and often feel like taking a bath due to the lecherous behaviour of many a frisky spaniard.

Not to type cast an entire country of course, but I've hardly been charmed by the ardour of the flirting styles of many country, for instance;

1) Italians - for all the coo coo coo of their italiano language, I really didn't enjoy their penchant for bottom pinching which left my own derriere covered in bruises

2) Egyptians - lets face it being asked if they can buy you for 10 camels gets old after a while, especially when the girl next to you has been offered 25

3) British - the lets pretend to ignore girls and talk in code like silly teenagers hardly makes any woman's heart beat faster. Nor is the fascination with bottoms alluring. They aren't funny, and nor is constantly telling jokes about them

4) Americans - telling me my legs are like stems to a beautiful flower will not gain you access to it. In fact I'll just laugh in your face. They are great at the lines, not so strong on delivery

5) Irish - Their accents will make even a random reading from a shopping list sound sexy but when they get themselves so drunk, so often that they are unable to 'perfrom' it gets to a point when you literally just take matters into your own hands

6) Scottish - We'd all like to find our own william wallace and have him pick a war with England but they are pretty much on par with australians when it comes to sophisticated flirting. Best example which springs to mine is one fine kilted fellow asking me "Would you like to see my nessie?'.. charming

7)French - We we we, merci are not words that I consider to be part of my erogenous zone so whispering them over and over again just gets annoying.. Being told I am ' a werrry bootifuul wemen' is about as complicated as it gets. Slightly  even less endearing when you hear him try it out on the other 6 women in the cafe sitting near you..

8) Spanish - hola chica whoppa.. doesn't actually feel all that flattering to me, the first thing it makes me think of is a whopper with cheese at burger king. But I will give them this, spaniards know how to dance and their eyebrows are famously flirtatious. However, the majority of the time I just feel like they move around too much,  its oddly distracting like two hairy catapillars doing a tango to the death on their forehead.

9) Brazilian - I can't fault this group at all. The women are women and are sensual right down to their tippy toes. They'd look sexy in a dishrag. The men look good with long or short hair and while strangely a bit effiminate, they are very seductive in their style. I've heard this described as the three charm offensive. 1) touch her on the elbow to show proximity, 2) touch her on the waist and lean in close 3) lean in close and whisper in her ear and then lead her to the dance floor and she'll be yours. It works, and it works well.

10) Aussies - I couldn't leave them out of the list. It's my home and where I've heard the most charming pick up line of them all ' If I was a squirrel, would you let me store my nuts in your hole?'.. a sure fire way to melt a girls heart isn't it?

xx
jh.. ps list of most flirtatious nations according to survey is below

WORLD FLIRTATION LEAGUE
RANK COUNTRY SCORE*
1. Spain 1.33
2. Poland 1.31
3. Dominican Republic 1.25
4.= Italy 1.13
4.= Argentina 1.13
6. Brazil 1.12
7. Chile 1.09
8. Portugal 1.04
9. Canada 0.96
10. Venezuela 0.94
11. Netherlands 0.86
12. Germany 0.81
13. Colombia 0.80
14. UK 0.78
15. Czech Republic 0.76
16. Mexico 0.72
17. France 0.69
18. Belgium 0.68
19. United States 0.63
20. Ecuador 0.62

Bumping uglies

Ok so the news that the first couple to have met on a dating website designed specifically for unfortunate looking people has really brought a whole new meaning to the term bumping uglies for me..

Good luck to them and I hope it all goes well but it has once again raised the literally ugly head of the unmentionable.. online dating. I'm no stranger to it and whether they'll admit it or not, neither are most people.

But I've honestly never found it much of a success, in fact I mainly found it full of freaks, bunny boilers (men and women), commitment phobes, stalkers, stalker wannabes, chronic and compulsive liars, lost souls, people with no friends and yes, unfortunate looking people. So I find it rather heartening actually that there is a site for those who look like they've been hit with the ugly stick, because perhaps they'll stop flooding the standard online dating scene.

Harsh I know, but fair. I recently joined and unjoined a few sites after reading the inspiring and funny book by sean thomas, a million women are waiting to meet you. It inspired courage and confidence in me so I gave Match.com, Antipodate and a few other sites a go. But before long honestly I began spending way too much time talking to and arranging to meet up with guys when I barely had enough time for me and catching up with my friends as it is most of the time!

What I find most annoying and actually really makes me quite cross about the online dating scene are the phrases that people use on their profile which are categorically untrue or just misleading in general.

Let me give some examples:

1) I'm looking for someone to make my life complete (ie. My life is a mess, I'm insecure and can't be without a partner to bicker with. I need a life buoy, hey you, you'll do)

2) I am not a big drinker and prefer quiet nights in with a book  (ie.I have zero personality with no friends and have no social life, so should we hit it off I'll glom to you like an oyster. I also may be morbidly obese)

3) I'm an affectionate person and love to cuddle (ie.I am big on PDAs, in fact I may just glue my tongue to your ear while out in public. I like to lie in bed cuddling and talking about everything you are thinking about and what you ate today.)

4) I'm active and am always on the go ( ie. Either I am an adrenaline junkie and recovering speed addict who has replaced my habit with cycling, or I'm a liar and pretend to be busy when really I'm at home playing world of warcraft in my skidmarked undies)

5) Bubbly personality (ie. I  pretend to be bubbly so no one will see my deep black hole inside. Get to know me and I'll introduce you to it, it's much nicer than being bubbly)

6) I say things as I see it and don't like games (ie. If you don't message me back straight away I will start text abusing you and post a photo of you online having sex with a moneky that I've done in photoshop)

7) I am down to earth and not high maintenance (ie.I don't believe in shaving my armpits, legs or bikini line, I haven't washed in days. The last time I coloured my hair was 5 years ago. I'm low maintenance because I'm not used to people paying attention to me)

8) I dont have the perfect body but I'm working on it (ie. The last time I considered myself thin was when I was 19 and I'm trying to get back to that weight, in between big macs and starving myself.)

9) My friends talked me into this and I'm just going to give it a go (ie. My friends are sick of me moan bout being single and having no life. In fact they are sick of me non stop and want to go back to having couple evenings)

10) I'm adventurous and love trying news things (ie. I'm kinky so you better keep up, I'll bring the whip you bring the paddle. Also quite like doing it oudoors, I hope you bring the insect repellant.)

11) I'm independent and am in control of my life (ie. secretly I'm wanting to be dominated in a me tarzan, you jane kind of way or I'm a dominatrix and will sleep with you on the first date, whether you are able to unpick the handcuffs when we're done is another story)

12) I don't usually do this kind of thing (ie. I actually have 9 profiles I currently manage as well as a profile on 'Adultbaby' where like minded people discuss their fetishes for wearing nappies during sex)

13) I love to laugh and have a good sense of humour (I have no personality and like to be entertained by others so I can pretend I have one or, I try to make people laugh to take the focus off my face.)



verdict: online dating is only for the very brave and foolish

xx
jh

3 dates in 3 days

Ok so I've clearly pleaded once or twice to the love and dating karma gods to deliver on the man front, particularly the romantic man front mainly as all girls do from time to time. Only this time they appear to have delivered.

In the last three days I have been approached by three separate guys for dates. Flattering yes. Exciting yes. Unexpectedly annoying yes.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful nor petty nor one of those girls who have impossible standards designed to intimidate, frighten and self consciously ensure your unhappiness for the rest of your life. Not at all. It's just that there's something missing. With all three.

How can this be? Am I just being asked out by the wrong guys? I am the first to admit that I've often felt like I had the word A tattoed on my chest to attract either Adulterers, Asshats or Animals. Only it seems this time to have changed to 'Mr Very Nice and Want to Romance the Pants of off  You', who have the sexual appeal of a dishrag.

All the men (how awful does that sound!), who asked for my phone number, asked nicely, I hadn't been overly flirting or even all that interested. Nor did I lead them on. One on a bus, one on a tube and one at a pub. All unexpectedly. But being the girl I am and always saying yes to new opportunities I happily gave my number thinking why not, what harm can come to it.They all seemed like nice men, all be a little bit desperate.

Only now I have been on the recieving end of countless messages from all three, lets call them Larry, Harry and Barry. All have been asking me to go to french restaurants with them, go kayaking, go on picnics and pub crawls. All very nice, but it doesn't make my heart beat faster when I  think of them. Wouldn't a quick drink suffice? Why the constant text banter pretending they know you or who you are? I thought that was the purpose of dating, to get to know someone and not presume? It all a big fat turn off for me. I don't want to be wined and dined because I'm a woman and they want one and any variety will do. 

I don't even get flustered or smiley when I get a message from them, in fact I forgot to respond to one for a whole day. Not deliberately, but I just had a busy day and they weren't high on my radar. Verdict is - no tummy tickles, where you feel that spark of excitement at what might or could be just around the corner.

Nada. Zip. Zilch.

So now, because I don't feel any of that spark I'm facing the prospect of turning down not just one guy, but three guys, in three days all down to chemistry. I fear this will tempt the rath of the dating karma gods immensely as well. I asked for it didn't I? They delivered didn't they? And yet I turn down the offerings.

You would think recieving 3 date offers in 3 days would make any girl feel special but instead I feel the opposite, I want to hide under my bed for a week. But better to end things now rather than lead anyone on. My theory is, when its right, it feels right. And this feels like it should feel right, but at the same time feels very wrong. And not wrong in the good way.

So goodbye Larry, Harry and Barry and hello bed.

At least there is always bob, he can't give cuddles but he can sure put a smile on a girls face.

xx
jh

wishing on the lottery and tooth fairies

As it is I can't help but feel a little bit frustrated today, I overhead two girls talking ont the tube this morning. One of them was bemoaning the fact that this guy was giving her the run around and not treating her properly. The other one, who had a wedding ring on with as much bling as she could muster without weighing her hand down to the pavement, kept reassuring her,   "Don't worry sarah, if its meant to be it will be, not to worry you'll meet the right guy,"

If one more person says that line in my earshot, or worse to me, I think I'll pick up a hundred 'hes just not that into books' and put them in a blender and serve it up to them as soup for dinner. Its not pleasant to hear all the time and hard to swallow, thank you very much.

I just love the way some people say you'll meet the right guy. It reminds me of the dedicated locals in my home time back in Aus, queing up for the lotto with their fingers crossed, repeating the mantra "one day, one day and woudn't it be nice". It's kind of akin to going to sleep one night and expecting the tooth fairy to leave a perfect man under your pillow in the morning. All you have to do when you wake up is to inflate via the hole in the butt, to make him full of air and hey presto, here's your man.


But don't get me wrong I'm not a bitter twisted singleton and frankly I think most single women in London have endured a bit of a bad rap. We are sometimes viewed as hostile towards men, like they are totalitarian states we must invade, conquer and control much like saddam hussein on a power trip but this is just not true. Sadam Hussain was a sadist, we are just after a cuddle with a man with a perfect penis.. hardly conquerers or dictators. If we want to talk about dictators, then perhaps its time to point out the biggest dictator out there is the male phallis dominates and influences men on a daily, if not hourly basis.

I can safely promise I've never had my vagina tell me what to do or that its compelled me to go and grab a guys ass and take him home only to tell him the next day that I have a boyfriend and he better go because he's coming down from liverpool today... But don't get me wrong I'm not bitter in the least, and nor am I a man hater..

rant completed
xx
jh

Final warning to all london men - no more BSGB

Thinking about the potential gentleman codes of conduct made think of all the BSGB I've come across. Bad Single Guy Behaviour that it is. I know lots of girls are guilty of giving men the run around in London, but never have I come across such bad manners or behaviour than  when I first arrived in London. Australian men aren't overly romantic, in fact they aren't overly complicated but you tend to know where you stand with them and while they might have BO now and again they don't have really bad bedroom etiquette.

English men its time to clean up your act, I fancy circulating a flyer at all the countless speed dating events in London just ot get the message out there. At the top of the list would be:

• Non reciprocal fellatio is unforgivable. Full stop. If a man won't go down on a girl but wants you to do it to him he clearly has something against pussies and therefore should be shown the door. A man should worship the area and feel grateful to be granted access to it
• Despite what you make think, waiting games do not make us want you more. In fact it does the opposite, the only ones who end up wanting you more are the bunny boilers so perhaps you deserve it. No we won't have sex with you more quickly if you wait a week to respond to a message, in fact it reduces your chances of being admitted to the land of the vagina by more than two thirds. Known fact. Unless you are an astronaut, or swimmer who for some unknown reason can't be near a phone then the mantra with messages is you recieve one, you respond to it. Promptly. 
• The butt area is forbidden. This speaks for itself, caresses only and compliments are welcome. Men obsessed with anal should consult with a blow up dummy or some porn. I say this despite being actually quite fond of it, as most sexually adventurous and open girls do but it has to be done with a person you have a measured sense of trust for. Put a ring on my finger and you can enter the one way street buddy. If not, we could perhaps experiment with a strap on if you are that obssessed.
• Cheat if you dare. If you decide to sleep around and cheat be prepared for the consequences. In this day and age there is no need for lying and playing games. After a thrill? lets go have sex outside where we could get caught or in your best friends wardrobe. Don't think you will get away with it, no one ever does and when the shit hits the fan you really don't want to deal with a woman scorned. 
• Space? Saying you need space to anyone you are dating is just not acceptable. Like space? Need it badly? Become a bloody astronaut
• Saying I love you but I'm not in love with you is sufficient reason enough for the death penalty. The man may as well have taken a chainshaw to your heart and sliced and diced it to pieces and laughed. If you don't love me, lie and then leave. The next man who says this to me will experience real pain. This is the only instance in which lying is ok in a relationship.
• Nookie cookie. If you don't want a relationship and only want sex be man enough to admit it. I will not punish a man who is honest enough to say what he wants. More than likely he will be rewarded with access to the pussy playground. 
• Me Jane, You Tarzan. Don't assume all women are the same and want the same things. Don't assume the psycho ex that is still stalking you on facebook has the same qualities as every other woman and that we are all after your assets. News flash, its 2010 and we can buy our own assets. The only assets we covet are the ones in your pants.
• OH OH no. Don't be selfish in the distribution of orgasms, share the love and give it as much as you can to the woman you're with. If you only look afte ryourself you may soon find yourself in short supply or left in the company of your left hand. Don't tempt the orgasm karma goods who'll strike you down with impotence for this level of selfishness. Besides, if the poor woman has stuck around despite the lack of orgasms I guarantee you she isn't happy and it won't be long before she is looking for her orgasms elsewhere
• Fabio is a fallacy. News flash - you don't have the magical gift of making a woman orgasm just b looking at her and randomly probing your fingers back and forth. It actually requires some deterixty and effort. Just because she moans, it doesn't mean its from passion. The problematic thing here is if you tell a man you're faking it or not experiencing the big O he gets insecure and starts feeling terrible about himself. Hello?? What about the poor woman who isn't getting her rocks off?  So the moral of the story is boys and girls, don't think you are gods gift, listen and ask its the least you can do. Van Gogh didn't become an artist over night and you can't become the god of sex just because you own one of the key instruments.
• Groundskeeping - keep the bush trimmed. No one likes to experience public hair flossing. Believe ir ot not, the reason most women get waxed/shaved is for the ease of access and presentation, not because we enjoy having hair follicles ripped out of our skin and sensitive bits. How do you think your lady feels going down to tackle the amazon jungle in which your schlong is hidden? We don't have whipper snippers built into our mouths, so be considerate and trim it. 
• Skidmarks - no one likes them. Don't bring up the Ex or your mother on the first date or dates in general. Its just plain rude, no one asked to see the skid marks on your jocks and you have just done the social dating equivalent. Keep it to yourself, at least until she's seen you naked and knows what she's in for.
• Godzilla or Mighty Mouse. Finally size does matter. Some girls like small, some like big. But size does matter. If you are small, you best have excellent oral and hand skills to make up for the downfall. If not you are being just plain selfish. Every girl will compliment it, regardless of size but deep down they'll have a preference and you'll have to sell yourself. Fact.

I'm seriously considering making a flyer of these thoughts and distributing. The women will thank me and so will the men. Imagine the hours of  hurt, anger and downright dissapointment that could have bene prevented if men knew of these simple guidelines? Lily Allen for one wouldn't be lying in the wet patch fo the bed feeling so hard done by if men knew some of these simple facts.

If only....

jh