Friday, 10 December 2010

Where's your + one?

I dont know about you, but I adore the festive season. I love everything about it. Except one thing. The fact that at this time of year, if you don't have a + one joined to your hip, then you are pitied and type cast as a social pariah faster than you can say ba humbug.

Not wanting to sound like a mournful bridget jones type or someone who is constantly bemoaning their single status, but I have to say, its not the status that upsets me. Its the reactions to it that most annoy me. When is the best time to meet people, have lots to drink and generally have a good jolly time? Christmas time of course, everyone tends to be happy and up for going out and trying new things. Except it is often at those very events that people cling onto their plus ones and ask you earnestly how poor little old, lonely you will be spending your christmas and if there is anyone in your life?

I had this experience 4 times this week, the most recent being last night and two nights ago. It's like asking a fat person,'how are you going being fat? Are you finding the right sizes in shops ok?'

It's fairly obvious I'm single, where is the need to discuss it further.?.But I'm not the only one, just this week I've had three emails from my close girl friends bemoaning just this fact and that they aren't looking forward to the family gathering where their smug married brothers and sisters will be parading their paramour around.

Well to get me through the holidays and to make sure I dont let this pariah status get me down I'm going to follow the following guidelines:

1) Make my own christmas wishes come true 
Make a list of all the things I have done for myself this year and things 'I want for Christmas'. Forget about feeling bad when your sister produces the latest trinket her husband bought her. You can demonstrate the latest Fendi bag you bought for yourself without having to give anyone head to get it. Or lower yourself to constant nagging and suggestive brochure placement around the house

2) Say yes to everything
Christmas is the time for giving so say yes to every opportunity that comes your way even if its looking like it could be boring or a struggle. Go and give it a chance. If it is shit, well you are no worse off but its better than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself and wrapping a pillow up against your back so you can pretend someone is in your bed with you

3)Get into the spirit
Do all things festive. You know the things that girls draaag their boyfriends to and make them endure at much sufferance. Christmas markets, theatre shows, plays, day trips.. everything. Just  recently I went to a play and had to endure a man shuffling, groaning and looking at his watch and huffing and puffing his way through a production of Onassis. He couldn't be bothered and was clearly bored shitless. It begs the question, why the fuck did she bring him? They left at half time fortunately. Some women just like to torture. Just think how much better it is going and doing something you want without anyone else bitching about it

4) Remember that christmas smiles are just a bit of polish
Don't forget when u see a couple strolling or kissing in public or doing sometthing romantic like buying matching drapes or a new duvet (Vomit) that they probably were aruging about his mother just half an hour earlier or he was pissed because she turned off the telling in the middle of a rugby match. All you have to do is stop and listen on oxford street and you can pretty much here the quarelling of a million couples having a tug of war over what they should buy their famlies for christmas. Do you need it? Hell no!And especially when you hear the way they speak to each other. And at those christmas drinks, when one partner is having a great time but is dragged home by the boring, sad, tired, lazy one? That never has to be you this xmas. You are free to leave when and if you like and whoever with.

5) Don't be hard on yourself
Yeah it sometimes sucks to be alone, but for goodness sake you aren't the only one out there. In fact there are more single dining and wining events in london during the festive season then any other time of the year. Make yourself a list of everything you've achieved over the year so you can sprout it forth when Aunt Flan asks you why u don't have any babies around your feet or ring around your finger. Or better yet, answer creatively. Last time someone asked me how it felt to be single this time of year. I said "Great, but its always annoying when you have to replace your bedframe.' Win to you for having animalistic sex and point lost to them for being a nosy parker.

6) Indulge, Indulge, Indulge
While other +one girls are running around doing errands and fixing their house to be the perfect festive venue you can go out and get your nails sorted, hair, treatments, massages, the lot you name it. Your money is your money and to be spent on you alone. Not on doing something 'romantic together' which often ends up with you both bitching about money or about him not doing the dishes..
And if you want to feel better in general. Help out. Go volunteer, if you have free time, go and do something for someone else rather than sitting and stewing on your status or the questions, if and when someone will ask.  It offers great perspective and also makes you appreciate everything you have in your life.

Yes sometimes it sucks not to have a significant other who can whisper sweet nothings in your ear at this time of year. But just remember, that the prospective mouth you are fantasising about in real life would most likely  reek of beer breath and smell of garlic stuffing and hardly be the thing to get your juices going.

Make merry and be merry

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