Thursday, 18 November 2010

There's no excuse for bad sex

As the title says, there really is no good excuse for poor performance in the bedroom unless of course, you've spent the last 25 years as a monk in the woods and I am the first woman you've come into contact with and you've only just discovered that not only do women exist, but these strange appealing round globes called breasts.

In my book there really is no reason why neither male nor female should let their sparkle be anything less than orgasm inducing brightness in between the sheets.

Just the other day a close girlfriend of mine who had been enraptured with a guy she had been seeing, suddenly relayed deflatedly that it was over. I was perplexed he sounded like the perfect catch, smart, uber successful, independent, ambitious and most importantly into her. What went wrong? Did he secretly have twelve toes and a dead twin foetus living off his back? Bad breath? Was he a hitter or abuser? Did he secretly have kiddie, or worse stil midget porn tucked in the bathroom cabinet next to the loo?

No. None of the above. It turns out he couldn't perfrom. Correction he could perform per se, as in he rose to the occasion, but was quite simply he was a bad performer, the worst she'd ever had in fact. This includes her first time which was the result of an uninspiring fumble in her high school boyfriend's cubby house. Nice.

How can this happen? In this day and age? People cry about poverty, world hunger, war and the cost of living.  What we should cry the most about is perhaps the single thing that has the potential to give billions around the world untold amounts of happiness but instead leaves many women and men weeping in the corner and reaching for their vibrators or hands as the case may be.

Can I ask, how does a  man reach the age of 29 and not only not quite know the locations of a womans various erogenous zones? and who also thinks its ok to procede to fondle these with the detexterity of a rugby player wrassling with a football?

Its downright depressing and I am now left with a bereft friend who I need to sort out a good shag for before she loses her mojo and faith in good sex altogether.

For those men out there who don't know what qualifies as good sex here is a hit list to consider:

1) It is never ok to expect a girl to go down on you for a long amount of time without you at least returning the favour with your hands, or preferably with your mouth

2) It is never ok to think a blow job has been mutually satifiying for a woman, enough so that its then ok to roll over and go to sleep without making sure she gets her rocks off too. I liken this to the eating a nice tender juicy steak infront of a hungry person and handing them the empty plate

3) Anything more than 25 thrusts is technically diagnosed as premature and the hall markings of a premature ejaculator, if you are extra sensistive, whack off a few rounds beforehand or wear two condoms. No woman deserves one or two pokes and then a cuddle, no matter what she says. She wants to be poked into oblivion

4) Don't try and be complicated about it, a good missionary session is perfectly fine, if you start moving in all kinds of directions and lose rythym, she'll lose hers and there will be no chance of getting it back. She'll just start counting the cracks in the ceiling

5) When you kiss someone passionately, this requires tongue, but not the amount of saliva that would put niagra falls to shame. Kiss her on the lips, not the face, a good ole chin snog is not sexy and makes you feel you've been assaulted by a dog

6) When she says, 'thats good, I like that'. Keep doing it! Don't get ahead of yourself and think right that ticks a box, now onto next one. Girls need consistency to get off, not a game of bump the mouse on the head as many different times as you can

7) If she isn't moaning or groaning in delight, ask her what turns her on and what she'd like. If she is in charge of her own pleasure she'll point you in the right direction, which she probably has been doing all night, you just havent been listening because you were looking forward to a blow job or entering the gateway to pussy heaven

8) Regardless to what most porn demonstrates, women don't actually like being cum on in the face. Especially if it goes in their eye, it stings, it burns and it makes your eye red for two days. I know this. Fact. It's the least erotic thing for them, I would liken this to a girl wanting a guy to wear her lacy underwear and then making him wear a pad as well  to see how it feels because that turns her on. Hot prosepct isnt it?

9) Calling her a'dirty filthy whore' during coitus maximus does not in fact make her wild. It instead makes her brian start ticking over as to what you really think about her, thus inhibiting her from reaching a state of bliss. At the same time, no one wants a conversation while a schlong is going in and out of their woo woo. So keep it simple, 'baby's, 'yeahs' and 'your so hot' and 'fuck that feels good' are always welcome

10) Always give notice of when you are going to cum. Don't just deliver your jetstream and depart the runway without sufficient notice. It's not fair and its inconsiderate. Mutual orgasms at the same time is a rarity, but at least make sure she's close to the finish line before you discharge your starting pistol

just a few thoughts for those in a quandry..

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

the princess syndrome

I'm probably the only one who heard the news yesterday about kate and william's enagement and didn't do a little twirly dance and shout hurray.

No I suspect that with the royal wedding fever that is set to whip the world into a frothing frenzy, we will also see higher than normal outbreaks of the toxic princess syndrome.

Yes you know what it is. The high maintenance girls out there who have upteenth number of lists that their 'prince charming' must have in order for them to recieve a second bat of their eyelashes. They also demand aristocratic rights over their male partner and brainwash them to such a point that the man will make countless offerings at her temple including gifts and unconditional slavery, only for her to demand more.

Seeing Kate snag her prince charming couldn't have been a more woeful thing to happen for single women out there. I'm all for happy ever afters and romance, but with this to measure up to how can any girl's dreams of being happy with a normal guy in a normal life, survive? Suddenly quite a few of my aquaintances have started saying they'd say yes to nothing but a kate middleton replica ring. And so it begins...

Good on them and I hope Kate and Wills have more luck with it than his parents, but I have to say an ordinary girl snagging a prince is only going to perpuate the myth further. She'll become the every day woman's role model, especially as most of these girls grew up as young girls watching diana get wed. Such a shame that some of the most notable role models in the UK seem to be Katie Price at one end and Kate Middleton at the other. Realistic much?

As a fan of the royal family, but not a steadfast royalist, I have to ask, since when did aspiring to mimic or become royalty become a part of everyone's to do list? You coudn't pay me enough to be part of the incestous pool that is the royals. Yes the queen looks like a nice old duck, prince phillip looks like he'd be a laugh, like a dirty grandad telling rude jokes at every family gathering and harry looks like a right party animal you could share a spliff with out back. But really, would you really want it? All that pressure, all that attention, all that stifling rigidness and decorum? I dare say I wouldn't last 5 mins before I'd be ripping off my bodice and running down the halls with the corgis to go for a nudie run just to break free.

Personally if there is one emotion that I do feel about the pending nuptials, its pity. I feel for her, I'm sure she knows what she's getting into but god I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone. 

So just a day after the announcement I'm already seeing virtual tiara's remerging, diana reminiscing kicking of and the princesses starting to preen themselves. I predict an emergence of more sloany ponies than usual as they look for their ultimate prince - usually a cash laden hedgie. I also predict that more men than ever will be knocked back on than ever due to their shoes, unfashionable look and empty wallets.

So if I were Harry I'd watch out and run a mile at the first glance of a glinting tiara.

Friday, 12 November 2010

I'd like a scandal with my martini

I don't who first ever came up with the idea of  'after works drinks' but really they should be shot.

Mixing people who work with each other day in day out, with a couple of jugs of alcohol, sprinkle with measly snacks and simmer with a year's worth of niggling pet peeves and steaming office chemistry and you've got a dead set recipe for disaster.

From my own personal and colleague's experience (the last 24 hours as a case in point) here are some things you should never... ever.. ever do at a work drinks

1) Think that every table is a podium and must be danced on..

2) Grab your bosses bum and give it a slap several times while pretending to be a cowgirl

3) Participate in a dance off between yourself and the IT guy which involves breaking out the 'microwave', 'fish', 'Typewriter', 'burgular' and robot moves

4) Interupt every person's conversation at the drinks shouting 'stop talking, lets start dancing' or 'a little less conversation, a little more action'

5) Get carried away when Lady Marmalade comes on and do an impromtu strip tease, which involves trying to take the shirts off every male office colleague in the room

6) Take off your shoes and use them as props to aid your dancing

7) Request Bonnie Tylers 'Total eclipse of a heart' to the DJ 10 times over the course of one hour then do a karoke impersonation on one of the tables, serenading the ugliest guy in the room

8) Attempt to do the limbo without the stick in front of everyone in the room

9) Randomly grab the office crush and give him a pash in front of all the admin staff (ie biggest gossips ever known to man)

10) Proceed to vomit on crush's shoes straight after kiss


Monday, 8 November 2010

Add some Chile to your drama

What sounds better than five weddings and a funeral? Why five weddings and a porno of course. Well that's the latest to come out of the chilean mine disaster story, with one of the miners recently going on to compete in the new york marathon.

I thought I'd share a link to the story which provides a follow on to their lives which reads like a days of our lives real life soap opera. It includes endless family dramas, five proposals and weddings, red carpet trips, endorsements and planned film depictions – including a porno.

It's funny, if this had happened in the UK, the update would be slightly less entertaining. The headline would read more along the lines of 'freed british miners break record for most amount of fish and chips eaten in one sitting' or one of them might become the face of a tea company because they spent so much time down there drinking it

So perhaps its time we added a bit of Chile to our lives to spice it up? It wld certainly make life more interesting... 


Sunday, 7 November 2010

show me your love solar panel..

My  latest post on the slimey, predatorial and manipulative ways of the PUA got me thinking about all the conventional and slightly less so pick up lines that have been used on me.

I've decided to list the highlights for some light amusement, there are a couple which haven't been used on me directly but on friends and if they achieve anything, they certainly land a laugh or two...
  •  (A guy walks past and empties his glass all over the floor, glass falls all over the floor) - There we go, that breaks the ice, "Hi I'm Jack"
  • You're just like a parking ticket. You've got fine written all over you.
  • I keep wanting to tell you how beautiful you are from the tips of your toes to the top of your head, but I run out of breath everytime I look in your eyes
  • Is that a mirror in your pants or do I just see myself in them?
  • See this watch it's a magic watch, it tells me you've got no underwear on.. on hang on, its an hour fast
  • Do you believe in love at first sight or do you need me to walk past again?
  • There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.
  • That's not a bald spot. It's a solar panel for a love machine.
  • How do you like your eggs, fried? poached? or fertilised?
  • Was your father a thief? Because he must of stolen the diamonds you have for eyes
  • Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?
  • If I was a squirrel would you let me store my nuts in your hole?
  • I want to know where you bought your clothes, because it has destiny written all over it
  • I was always dyslexic as a child, for some reason I keep putting U and I together

and my favourite - if I could nominate the 8th wonder of the world, it would be your breasts..



I've heard of the rumours of Pick Up Artists, I've read countless articles about their styles, moves and supposed successes but I'd never actually come up against one before. Until now that is and with new PUA schools setting up in scotland and over the UK its only a matter of time before they start making more appearances in the festive party scene...

One of my friends rang me up earlier to tell me about one of her experiences which I suspect is the direct result of PUA antics.

Let me set the scene:

S was with her friend and they were at the bar having just ordered a drink and noticed two men at the other end of bar. S and the guy in question shared a few smiles, winks and quite a few eye fucks. You know,  the type of look where they scan you up and down and practically throw you on the floor, then and there, and have their wicked way with you, just with their eyes.

he came over and proceeded to ignore her. Actually correct that, ignore her is a polite way of putting it, he turned his back to her and put all his attentions into the her friend. When S asked him questions he responded with one letter answers before giving her the berlin wall and turning his focus but to her friend and complimenting her endlessly.

To say she was baffled it was an understatement, and his friend was also being rather cold. She looked hot, (my words not hers), she wasn't a mess and can have a decent conversation so she had no clue why the change in tune.

Then all of a sudden, he switched from ston silence and threw a few veiled insults her way when she chimed in once or twice,

GIQ(Guy in question) - So M, where have you been while you've lived in UK?
M (her friend) - Lots of places, but have to say my fave spot has been jordan, how about you?
GIQ - Definitely turkey, I love the place and the greek islands..
S - Oh I love the greek islands, my fave spot was corfu have you been there?
GIQ - no I haven't, I heard its a bit uppity, so not really my style... so I really like those earrings you are wearing M, they match your eyes
M: thank you, I got them today, me and s had a big shopping mission
S - yes we literally shopped til we dropped, and i also bought these boots
GIQ - (looks her up and down - twice and says) right. interesting choice
S - yes I like them, funkalicious I think
M: yes very cute
GIQ - Funny how girls think  some things look good and men don't

and it continued on like this for a while.. until S got sick of it and when to the ladies, when she came back, he'd changed his tune and again and started charming her, gently and subtly.. but as this was an australian girl she was having none of it and left with her mate and went home..

This I believe was the very stylings of a PUA. They find a good looking girl, play on her supposed and assumed insecurties and flatter her friends while ignoring her to get her completely in their control . So they can then work their magic so by the end they are grateful for the PUA's attention and will go home with them.

So  a little memo to PUA's out there... a) it doesn't work especially not on Australian women and only does on the bunny boilers b) if its bunny boilers you get then you get what you deserve c) it might catch you some women, but you'll never, ever.. land the good ones. If you want to spend of your life eating carp rather than salmon, then go for it.


Thursday, 4 November 2010

Senoritas put your hands up

The sacred art of flirting in the UK is not faring so well. Correction, it's doing dismally according to a new report which has come out from the social networking site, Badoo. It has ranked the top countries of the world on their flirtability and the fire in the pants of their men and women. However it appears the British folk must have been having a cold shower at the time of the survey or  sticking to their 'no sex please, we're British' mantra.

Worse still, Australians aren't even listed. The shame! Mainly at being beaten by the British on any scoreboard. Mind you most Australian men don't excell in the art of flirting. A sad fact. but it's true. They are as obvious as a brick wall and consider staring at your breasts for long periods of time as a successful form of flirting. How can I argue with this logic, afterall it's worked on me before..

In the meantime this flirtatious study, has ranked Spain as the number one flirtalicious country due to its fiesty femme fatales and equally molten muscular men who can make most women melt with their chocolate brown eyes.

It's funny though, in the times I have been to visit Spain I have found the men to be very clear in their flirty, there is no mistaking it, but you soon have to leave the bar due to their persistent efforts and often feel like taking a bath due to the lecherous behaviour of many a frisky spaniard.

Not to type cast an entire country of course, but I've hardly been charmed by the ardour of the flirting styles of many country, for instance;

1) Italians - for all the coo coo coo of their italiano language, I really didn't enjoy their penchant for bottom pinching which left my own derriere covered in bruises

2) Egyptians - lets face it being asked if they can buy you for 10 camels gets old after a while, especially when the girl next to you has been offered 25

3) British - the lets pretend to ignore girls and talk in code like silly teenagers hardly makes any woman's heart beat faster. Nor is the fascination with bottoms alluring. They aren't funny, and nor is constantly telling jokes about them

4) Americans - telling me my legs are like stems to a beautiful flower will not gain you access to it. In fact I'll just laugh in your face. They are great at the lines, not so strong on delivery

5) Irish - Their accents will make even a random reading from a shopping list sound sexy but when they get themselves so drunk, so often that they are unable to 'perfrom' it gets to a point when you literally just take matters into your own hands

6) Scottish - We'd all like to find our own william wallace and have him pick a war with England but they are pretty much on par with australians when it comes to sophisticated flirting. Best example which springs to mine is one fine kilted fellow asking me "Would you like to see my nessie?'.. charming

7)French - We we we, merci are not words that I consider to be part of my erogenous zone so whispering them over and over again just gets annoying.. Being told I am ' a werrry bootifuul wemen' is about as complicated as it gets. Slightly  even less endearing when you hear him try it out on the other 6 women in the cafe sitting near you..

8) Spanish - hola chica whoppa.. doesn't actually feel all that flattering to me, the first thing it makes me think of is a whopper with cheese at burger king. But I will give them this, spaniards know how to dance and their eyebrows are famously flirtatious. However, the majority of the time I just feel like they move around too much,  its oddly distracting like two hairy catapillars doing a tango to the death on their forehead.

9) Brazilian - I can't fault this group at all. The women are women and are sensual right down to their tippy toes. They'd look sexy in a dishrag. The men look good with long or short hair and while strangely a bit effiminate, they are very seductive in their style. I've heard this described as the three charm offensive. 1) touch her on the elbow to show proximity, 2) touch her on the waist and lean in close 3) lean in close and whisper in her ear and then lead her to the dance floor and she'll be yours. It works, and it works well.

10) Aussies - I couldn't leave them out of the list. It's my home and where I've heard the most charming pick up line of them all ' If I was a squirrel, would you let me store my nuts in your hole?'.. a sure fire way to melt a girls heart isn't it?

jh.. ps list of most flirtatious nations according to survey is below

1. Spain 1.33
2. Poland 1.31
3. Dominican Republic 1.25
4.= Italy 1.13
4.= Argentina 1.13
6. Brazil 1.12
7. Chile 1.09
8. Portugal 1.04
9. Canada 0.96
10. Venezuela 0.94
11. Netherlands 0.86
12. Germany 0.81
13. Colombia 0.80
14. UK 0.78
15. Czech Republic 0.76
16. Mexico 0.72
17. France 0.69
18. Belgium 0.68
19. United States 0.63
20. Ecuador 0.62

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

I dream of darcy

I'm sure I'm not the only hopeless romantic who has been swept away by the elegance, charm and period drama eye candy that is Downton Abbey. The drama's first season which is set in the twilight of the Edwardian Era (1912-1914), in the stately home of the Earl of Grantham named Downton Abbey. This is during the reign of King George V and for those who haven't discovered this gem, it follows the lives of the aristocratic Crawley family and the servants who work for them. Every sunday, I snuggle down on the sofa, with my hot chocolate and biscuit and indulge.

For those who are sick to death of reality tv shows on people who live in notting hill, or dreaming of singing their hearts out on xfactor,  or are vying to have the best party, wedding, date, house or to become the world's next super model, it is a welcome relief. In my mind there is nothing like classic english drama set in times when men were men and women were women.

It's celluoid caramel that melts on the screen and makes me think of one thing, and one thing only. Mr Darcy and the original, ultimate, period drama - Pride and Prejudice, the BBC version of course.

I couldn't count on both hands how many times I have read Jane Austen's classic or watched the series, but what I can tell you is that I've yet met a man that can live up to him.

Here's a few reasons on why I think Mr Darcy, fictional or not, is the ultimate man.

1) You'd never catch him scratching his plumbers crack with the tv remote

2) He'd never steal your mirror and cover it with pimple splats from his zit squeezing session before bed the night before

3) He'd never slide his hand up your skirt two minutes after you'd just met him and were waiting for your friends

4) He'd never presume to ask to crash at your place for a few days (which turns into 12 weeks) while he's in between jobs

5) He'd know that romance isn't just about flowers when you've done something wrong

6) He'd never ask to use your nail clippers so he could cut his nails prior to hopping into bed with you (a definite passion killer)

7) He'd be delighted to spend countless days picnicing on the heath and enjoying conversation rather than down at the pub trying to beat you at pool while also keeping track of arsenal's latest goal

8) You'd never catch him staring or groping another woman's assets unless it was her horse

9) He'd always be welcoming of in-laws and wouldnt make hangman noose faces behind their backs during every family dinner

10)  and finally he'd never steal your underwear and wear them around during the day and bring them back to hid into your drawers again, skid marks and allCould you ask for anything more?

Eat, Pray, Meh..

I'm the first to put my hand up to say I jumped on board the Eat, Pray, Love train. Read it, watched it and was even tempted to buy the second book, 'committed'. 

What's not to love? the food, the travel, the giving up of all responsibilities to gallivant around the world not to mention the hunky brazilian she hooks up with in the end.

But it kind of got me thinking, yes I really enjoyed the book, it was well written by someone who appears to be down to earth  who has more than her fair share of baggage but why has it been so popular?

If you boil it down, it's basically a cashed up childress pre-menopausal woman who gets burnt out by wanting it all. She gets it all, the husband, the house, the coupley lifestyle only to realise she doesn't want it all in the end.

What makes a book about someone just picking up and doing what they want so popular? So inspiring? She didn't cure cancer, volunteer in uganda or overcome a physical challenge. She did everything for herself and good on her, but lets not put her on a pedestal, anyone can do that quite easily if they genuinely want to. If they are brave enough to put themselves first.The fact that it was such a huge thing in the eyes of women around the world to me is actually a bit of a shame. Sure it is an inspiration, but why the acclaim?

I don't mean to sound bitter, twisted or grumpy in general, but the fact that this book is so phenomenonly popular is because people just don't do what they really want and deep down. I'm sure some even vicariously lived through Liz and her adventures or even copied her travelling journey. But where is the pride or individuality in that? Are we so unsure of what we want that we blindly follow the exact example of someone who did something brave which was right for her and her alone.

I'm only 27 so I don't claim to know everything about the world, or how it works or how it will work in the future, but in my experience, the people I've met so far, somehow, along the way, have forgotten the things that make them who they are. The things that they want to do at the end of the day, or before they get up everyday. That is before work just gets in the way and the only thing that they feel like doing is to sit in front of the tv and watch Friends and Xfactor re-runs. That's what has made this book so bloody popular

When you spend the weekend and evenings late into the night working to meet deadlines instead of doing something which makes you smile you start to forget that making yourself happy is a choice.

And believe you me its not only a choice, but its a commitment. It's not something you can expect to arrive in your lap courtesy of the stork or tooth fairy.

What is different about the Eat, Love, Pray story is it came to such a point that she had to dump, cut and run. Why does it have to come to that?

The one thing I got out of the book which has stayed with me and will continue to  was a italian saying. It goes like this: Every day for seven days a man goes to pray at the feet of a saint three times a day. Every time he offers the same prayer. "Please, please saint, please let me win the lottery'" He offers this prayer constantly, until finally on the 8th day the Saint breaks free in frustration of the cement holding him together and reaches down to the man and grabs him by the shoulders and says "Well son, please please, buy a ticket."

So I suppose my question is, do you have yours? And in case you didn't realise, a newly printed signed copy of Eat, Pray, Love is not and never will be the ticket...