who's filling your christmas stocking?

Ok so last night I did the unthinkable. I'm sure I'm not the first and I won't be the last to disgrace to do this. I peed in the proverbial swimming pool. I mixed business with pleasure, and ended up with more than my usual serving of Christmas cheer at the annual work Christmas party.

Our offices consist of  5 floors of more than 1600 people. So let them loose with a glamour theme complete with rat pack singers, roulette and black jack tables, unlimited alcohol and minimal food and there is always, always bound to be more than a quick canoodle going on under the mistletoe.

The night started out relatively innocently, I dressed up in a LBD, killer heels and complete with lots of bling, red lipstick and wine permanently in hand. Before the night was midway through I'd had a quickie wedding with a friend of mine, lost all my money on red and was dancing up a storm. As the clock was getting closer to midnight I thought I'd make a quick and graceful exit rather than a decidedly disgraceful one later.

Standing in the coat line I came across he who shall now be known as Mr Charismatic. Tall. Skinny. Blonde. Blue eyes with hooded lids. Big Hands. Big Feet. Cute. Completely not my type. But there was that unmistakable spark. A match was lit and I wasn't about to blow it out after the time I'd spent with my fireplace untended to. The phrase 'Why Not?' sprung to mind and I went with it. After a few shared compliments over outfits and a quick chat on the debauchery of the night he walked me to the tube before offering to buy me a few drinks. Cue an hour later and we had thrown the mistletoe away and seemed to be searching for it under each other's clothes in a dark, secluded corner of the bar, so much so that the bar manager asked us to leave. Not my proudest moment. Next thing I knew we were in the back of the cab and I was reaching for his stocking  and he was unwrapping me like the unexpected Christmas gift I was.

Back home and 4 and half shags later I was left feeling less than satisfied. Sure I'd enjoyed it, it was random, fun and exhilarating and naughty but I still  felt a bit like Lily Allen lying in the wet patch of the bed feeling sorry for herself. At some point in the proceedings it had turned teenager both in style and technique on his end.  Bringing up the following issues:

1)      Bareback ride anyone? - He was doggedly persistent about not wearing protection. But once he realised it wasn't on if it wasn't on he soon got with the program, but every time he still tried to angle for a bareback ride. When in this day and age with the prevalence of stds and over nasties did it ever become ok to shag a stranger without protection? I found this almost as disturbing as his kissing technique

2)  Pash rash- His kissing technique, well what there was of it that is. It involved a mashing, nashing of teeth against my lips. I now have several blood blisters in my mouth from his voracious nashing snogging. I also have gravel rash on my lips and chin. He would basically try to eat my lips and beat up my tonque with his. I almost wanted to say out loud '1,2,3,4 I declare a tongue war'
     

3) Holiday Hickeys – they were never cool in highschool and when u have to work the next day, sporting a bright bruise on your neck is like holding a neon sign above your head saying 'I'm a whore' or 'please consider me the office bike'. Not good, but this guy loved vacuuming, with this mouth. To the point I am now sporting not just one but multiple hickies on my neck and bruising to boot. I have whiplash, and not in a good way 
   

4)   Dexterity -His dexterity below the belt involved a rather rough poking and twisting of his fingers and somehow I think he mistook my cries of discomfort for being in the throes of passion. I gave a few gentle instructions, but he was fingering with the frustrated ministrations of a sex starved teenager

5)   Oh Oh OH – perhaps the most distracting thing about the whole situation? His girlish scream and whimper when it came to the point of orgasm. It literally stopped mine in its tracks. He was a louder groaner and moaner than I was and pretty sure my flatmates heard every thrust and throb.

Sadly I didn't have a lot of OH OH Ohs throughout the night and ended up resorting to faking quite a few which I hate, but he was just so mortifyingly bad with some of his technique I didn't know what else to do. I'm sure there are a range of things which shape a guys sexual experience but these days when I've given feedback it's been met with aggression, disdain and insulted glares. Would a guy really prefer a girl to be unsatisfied and fake it? If so, I might just abstain for a while because the only Oh Oh Ohs I'll be making is when I'm skipping the yellow brick road to orgasmville.

In the meantime I'll be walking with my head down and navigating corridors with furtive looks in a bid to avoid an awkward lift encounter which is bound to happen. That's the last time I take a free gift without shaking first for what's inside.

Merry xmas all

Ho ho ho xx

Jh

There's no excuse for bad sex

As the title says, there really is no good excuse for poor performance in the bedroom unless of course, you've spent the last 25 years as a monk in the woods and I am the first woman you've come into contact with and you've only just discovered that not only do women exist, but these strange appealing round globes called breasts.

In my book there really is no reason why neither male nor female should let their sparkle be anything less than orgasm inducing brightness in between the sheets.

Just the other day a close girlfriend of mine who had been enraptured with a guy she had been seeing, suddenly relayed deflatedly that it was over. I was perplexed he sounded like the perfect catch, smart, uber successful, independent, ambitious and most importantly into her. What went wrong? Did he secretly have twelve toes and a dead twin foetus living off his back? Bad breath? Was he a hitter or abuser? Did he secretly have kiddie, or worse stil midget porn tucked in the bathroom cabinet next to the loo?

No. None of the above. It turns out he couldn't perfrom. Correction he could perform per se, as in he rose to the occasion, but was quite simply he was a bad performer, the worst she'd ever had in fact. This includes her first time which was the result of an uninspiring fumble in her high school boyfriend's cubby house. Nice.

How can this happen? In this day and age? People cry about poverty, world hunger, war and the cost of living.  What we should cry the most about is perhaps the single thing that has the potential to give billions around the world untold amounts of happiness but instead leaves many women and men weeping in the corner and reaching for their vibrators or hands as the case may be.

Can I ask, how does a  man reach the age of 29 and not only not quite know the locations of a womans various erogenous zones? and who also thinks its ok to procede to fondle these with the detexterity of a rugby player wrassling with a football?

Its downright depressing and I am now left with a bereft friend who I need to sort out a good shag for before she loses her mojo and faith in good sex altogether.

For those men out there who don't know what qualifies as good sex here is a hit list to consider:

1) It is never ok to expect a girl to go down on you for a long amount of time without you at least returning the favour with your hands, or preferably with your mouth

2) It is never ok to think a blow job has been mutually satifiying for a woman, enough so that its then ok to roll over and go to sleep without making sure she gets her rocks off too. I liken this to the eating a nice tender juicy steak infront of a hungry person and handing them the empty plate

3) Anything more than 25 thrusts is technically diagnosed as premature and the hall markings of a premature ejaculator, if you are extra sensistive, whack off a few rounds beforehand or wear two condoms. No woman deserves one or two pokes and then a cuddle, no matter what she says. She wants to be poked into oblivion

4) Don't try and be complicated about it, a good missionary session is perfectly fine, if you start moving in all kinds of directions and lose rythym, she'll lose hers and there will be no chance of getting it back. She'll just start counting the cracks in the ceiling

5) When you kiss someone passionately, this requires tongue, but not the amount of saliva that would put niagra falls to shame. Kiss her on the lips, not the face, a good ole chin snog is not sexy and makes you feel you've been assaulted by a dog

6) When she says, 'thats good, I like that'. Keep doing it! Don't get ahead of yourself and think right that ticks a box, now onto next one. Girls need consistency to get off, not a game of bump the mouse on the head as many different times as you can

7) If she isn't moaning or groaning in delight, ask her what turns her on and what she'd like. If she is in charge of her own pleasure she'll point you in the right direction, which she probably has been doing all night, you just havent been listening because you were looking forward to a blow job or entering the gateway to pussy heaven

8) Regardless to what most porn demonstrates, women don't actually like being cum on in the face. Especially if it goes in their eye, it stings, it burns and it makes your eye red for two days. I know this. Fact. It's the least erotic thing for them, I would liken this to a girl wanting a guy to wear her lacy underwear and then making him wear a pad as well  to see how it feels because that turns her on. Hot prosepct isnt it?

9) Calling her a'dirty filthy whore' during coitus maximus does not in fact make her wild. It instead makes her brian start ticking over as to what you really think about her, thus inhibiting her from reaching a state of bliss. At the same time, no one wants a conversation while a schlong is going in and out of their woo woo. So keep it simple, 'baby's, 'yeahs' and 'your so hot' and 'fuck that feels good' are always welcome

10) Always give notice of when you are going to cum. Don't just deliver your jetstream and depart the runway without sufficient notice. It's not fair and its inconsiderate. Mutual orgasms at the same time is a rarity, but at least make sure she's close to the finish line before you discharge your starting pistol

just a few thoughts for those in a quandry..

xx

jh