Friday, 10 December 2010

Where's your + one?

I dont know about you, but I adore the festive season. I love everything about it. Except one thing. The fact that at this time of year, if you don't have a + one joined to your hip, then you are pitied and type cast as a social pariah faster than you can say ba humbug.

Not wanting to sound like a mournful bridget jones type or someone who is constantly bemoaning their single status, but I have to say, its not the status that upsets me. Its the reactions to it that most annoy me. When is the best time to meet people, have lots to drink and generally have a good jolly time? Christmas time of course, everyone tends to be happy and up for going out and trying new things. Except it is often at those very events that people cling onto their plus ones and ask you earnestly how poor little old, lonely you will be spending your christmas and if there is anyone in your life?

I had this experience 4 times this week, the most recent being last night and two nights ago. It's like asking a fat person,'how are you going being fat? Are you finding the right sizes in shops ok?'

It's fairly obvious I'm single, where is the need to discuss it further.?.But I'm not the only one, just this week I've had three emails from my close girl friends bemoaning just this fact and that they aren't looking forward to the family gathering where their smug married brothers and sisters will be parading their paramour around.

Well to get me through the holidays and to make sure I dont let this pariah status get me down I'm going to follow the following guidelines:

1) Make my own christmas wishes come true 
Make a list of all the things I have done for myself this year and things 'I want for Christmas'. Forget about feeling bad when your sister produces the latest trinket her husband bought her. You can demonstrate the latest Fendi bag you bought for yourself without having to give anyone head to get it. Or lower yourself to constant nagging and suggestive brochure placement around the house

2) Say yes to everything
Christmas is the time for giving so say yes to every opportunity that comes your way even if its looking like it could be boring or a struggle. Go and give it a chance. If it is shit, well you are no worse off but its better than sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself and wrapping a pillow up against your back so you can pretend someone is in your bed with you

3)Get into the spirit
Do all things festive. You know the things that girls draaag their boyfriends to and make them endure at much sufferance. Christmas markets, theatre shows, plays, day trips.. everything. Just  recently I went to a play and had to endure a man shuffling, groaning and looking at his watch and huffing and puffing his way through a production of Onassis. He couldn't be bothered and was clearly bored shitless. It begs the question, why the fuck did she bring him? They left at half time fortunately. Some women just like to torture. Just think how much better it is going and doing something you want without anyone else bitching about it

4) Remember that christmas smiles are just a bit of polish
Don't forget when u see a couple strolling or kissing in public or doing sometthing romantic like buying matching drapes or a new duvet (Vomit) that they probably were aruging about his mother just half an hour earlier or he was pissed because she turned off the telling in the middle of a rugby match. All you have to do is stop and listen on oxford street and you can pretty much here the quarelling of a million couples having a tug of war over what they should buy their famlies for christmas. Do you need it? Hell no!And especially when you hear the way they speak to each other. And at those christmas drinks, when one partner is having a great time but is dragged home by the boring, sad, tired, lazy one? That never has to be you this xmas. You are free to leave when and if you like and whoever with.

5) Don't be hard on yourself
Yeah it sometimes sucks to be alone, but for goodness sake you aren't the only one out there. In fact there are more single dining and wining events in london during the festive season then any other time of the year. Make yourself a list of everything you've achieved over the year so you can sprout it forth when Aunt Flan asks you why u don't have any babies around your feet or ring around your finger. Or better yet, answer creatively. Last time someone asked me how it felt to be single this time of year. I said "Great, but its always annoying when you have to replace your bedframe.' Win to you for having animalistic sex and point lost to them for being a nosy parker.

6) Indulge, Indulge, Indulge
While other +one girls are running around doing errands and fixing their house to be the perfect festive venue you can go out and get your nails sorted, hair, treatments, massages, the lot you name it. Your money is your money and to be spent on you alone. Not on doing something 'romantic together' which often ends up with you both bitching about money or about him not doing the dishes..
And if you want to feel better in general. Help out. Go volunteer, if you have free time, go and do something for someone else rather than sitting and stewing on your status or the questions, if and when someone will ask.  It offers great perspective and also makes you appreciate everything you have in your life.

Yes sometimes it sucks not to have a significant other who can whisper sweet nothings in your ear at this time of year. But just remember, that the prospective mouth you are fantasising about in real life would most likely  reek of beer breath and smell of garlic stuffing and hardly be the thing to get your juices going.

Make merry and be merry

Are you a man or a mouse?

My recent experience with the guy who screamed like a girl when he reached the valley of the big O made me think about why he it was he so quickly became not as attractive or appealing to me.

The hard worn path to manliness is a difficult one to tread, and not one which many men do exceedingly well. And in my experience, neither do english men.

I have never met a more effimate bunch of straight men in my life which is what makes dealing and consequently dating them so frustrating and intriguing in the last three years I've been over here and as far as I can tell, its all down to political correctness.

I dont like to typecast a group of men, but english men by definition really are another beast all together. They are completely and utterly clumsy when it comes to flirting in fact, they often just avoid that all together and let drunkeness do the job.  Then when they are well bladdered, they  attempt to kiss or grab the object of their interest  in a dark corner somewhere. I wouldn't say australian men are especially skilled at this and can often also be like bulls in a china shop, but at least they do make it abundantly clear when they are interested.

This week I ended up unintentionally pissing off three men who apparently were interested because I just had no clue whatsoever, apparently a guy at work had his eye on me and got very very upset when he heard of my conquest last week at the work xmas party and now will not talk to me.

The second I met while out and was flirting with him and then was chatting to a friend of mine which he mistook as another love interest and left in a huff. The third is a former BF who has been texting and went MIA for a few days only to come back and accuse me of seeing someone because that could be the only reason I hadn't been in touch with him.

Seriously? I am single. I am not bethrothed or spoken for, nor am I tied to anyone in particular. That is what being single is all about. So frankly,  boys get it together. Man up as the english phrase goes. Grab your balls, check they still exist and bloody make some noise and pusue.

If you want it bad enough to need to put your ego to the side and risk some embarassment by at least taking a risk. Forget being politically correct, if you like my rack just say so.

meanwhile thought I'd share the below aus blog. It says manliness isn't something u take for granted these days, you need to seize it and I completely agree!

Friday, 3 December 2010

who's filling your christmas stocking?

Ok so last night I did the unthinkable. I'm sure I'm not the first and I won't be the last to disgrace to do this. I peed in the proverbial swimming pool. I mixed business with pleasure, and ended up with more than my usual serving of Christmas cheer at the annual work Christmas party.

Our offices consist of  5 floors of more than 1600 people. So let them loose with a glamour theme complete with rat pack singers, roulette and black jack tables, unlimited alcohol and minimal food and there is always, always bound to be more than a quick canoodle going on under the mistletoe.

The night started out relatively innocently, I dressed up in a LBD, killer heels and complete with lots of bling, red lipstick and wine permanently in hand. Before the night was midway through I'd had a quickie wedding with a friend of mine, lost all my money on red and was dancing up a storm. As the clock was getting closer to midnight I thought I'd make a quick and graceful exit rather than a decidedly disgraceful one later.

Standing in the coat line I came across he who shall now be known as Mr Charismatic. Tall. Skinny. Blonde. Blue eyes with hooded lids. Big Hands. Big Feet. Cute. Completely not my type. But there was that unmistakable spark. A match was lit and I wasn't about to blow it out after the time I'd spent with my fireplace untended to. The phrase 'Why Not?' sprung to mind and I went with it. After a few shared compliments over outfits and a quick chat on the debauchery of the night he walked me to the tube before offering to buy me a few drinks. Cue an hour later and we had thrown the mistletoe away and seemed to be searching for it under each other's clothes in a dark, secluded corner of the bar, so much so that the bar manager asked us to leave. Not my proudest moment. Next thing I knew we were in the back of the cab and I was reaching for his stocking  and he was unwrapping me like the unexpected Christmas gift I was.

Back home and 4 and half shags later I was left feeling less than satisfied. Sure I'd enjoyed it, it was random, fun and exhilarating and naughty but I still  felt a bit like Lily Allen lying in the wet patch of the bed feeling sorry for herself. At some point in the proceedings it had turned teenager both in style and technique on his end.  Bringing up the following issues:

1)      Bareback ride anyone? - He was doggedly persistent about not wearing protection. But once he realised it wasn't on if it wasn't on he soon got with the program, but every time he still tried to angle for a bareback ride. When in this day and age with the prevalence of stds and over nasties did it ever become ok to shag a stranger without protection? I found this almost as disturbing as his kissing technique
2)  Pash rash- His kissing technique, well what there was of it that is. It involved a mashing, nashing of teeth against my lips. I now have several blood blisters in my mouth from his voracious nashing snogging. I also have gravel rash on my lips and chin. He would basically try to eat my lips and beat up my tonque with his. I almost wanted to say out loud '1,2,3,4 I declare a tongue war'
3) Holiday Hickeys – they were never cool in highschool and when u have to work the next day, sporting a bright bruise on your neck is like holding a neon sign above your head saying 'I'm a whore' or 'please consider me the office bike'. Not good, but this guy loved vacuuming, with this mouth. To the point I am now sporting not just one but multiple hickies on my neck and bruising to boot. I have whiplash, and not in a good way 
4)   Dexterity -His dexterity below the belt involved a rather rough poking and twisting of his fingers and somehow I think he mistook my cries of discomfort for being in the throes of passion. I gave a few gentle instructions, but he was fingering with the frustrated ministrations of a sex starved teenager

5)   Oh Oh OH – perhaps the most distracting thing about the whole situation? His girlish scream and whimper when it came to the point of orgasm. It literally stopped mine in its tracks. He was a louder groaner and moaner than I was and pretty sure my flatmates heard every thrust and throb.

Sadly I didn't have a lot of OH OH Ohs throughout the night and ended up resorting to faking quite a few which I hate, but he was just so mortifyingly bad with some of his technique I didn't know what else to do. I'm sure there are a range of things which shape a guys sexual experience but these days when I've given feedback it's been met with aggression, disdain and insulted glares. Would a guy really prefer a girl to be unsatisfied and fake it? If so, I might just abstain for a while because the only Oh Oh Ohs I'll be making is when I'm skipping the yellow brick road to orgasmville.

In the meantime I'll be walking with my head down and navigating corridors with furtive looks in a bid to avoid an awkward lift encounter which is bound to happen. That's the last time I take a free gift without shaking first for what's inside.

Merry xmas all
Ho ho ho xx

Thursday, 18 November 2010

There's no excuse for bad sex

As the title says, there really is no good excuse for poor performance in the bedroom unless of course, you've spent the last 25 years as a monk in the woods and I am the first woman you've come into contact with and you've only just discovered that not only do women exist, but these strange appealing round globes called breasts.

In my book there really is no reason why neither male nor female should let their sparkle be anything less than orgasm inducing brightness in between the sheets.

Just the other day a close girlfriend of mine who had been enraptured with a guy she had been seeing, suddenly relayed deflatedly that it was over. I was perplexed he sounded like the perfect catch, smart, uber successful, independent, ambitious and most importantly into her. What went wrong? Did he secretly have twelve toes and a dead twin foetus living off his back? Bad breath? Was he a hitter or abuser? Did he secretly have kiddie, or worse stil midget porn tucked in the bathroom cabinet next to the loo?

No. None of the above. It turns out he couldn't perfrom. Correction he could perform per se, as in he rose to the occasion, but was quite simply he was a bad performer, the worst she'd ever had in fact. This includes her first time which was the result of an uninspiring fumble in her high school boyfriend's cubby house. Nice.

How can this happen? In this day and age? People cry about poverty, world hunger, war and the cost of living.  What we should cry the most about is perhaps the single thing that has the potential to give billions around the world untold amounts of happiness but instead leaves many women and men weeping in the corner and reaching for their vibrators or hands as the case may be.

Can I ask, how does a  man reach the age of 29 and not only not quite know the locations of a womans various erogenous zones? and who also thinks its ok to procede to fondle these with the detexterity of a rugby player wrassling with a football?

Its downright depressing and I am now left with a bereft friend who I need to sort out a good shag for before she loses her mojo and faith in good sex altogether.

For those men out there who don't know what qualifies as good sex here is a hit list to consider:

1) It is never ok to expect a girl to go down on you for a long amount of time without you at least returning the favour with your hands, or preferably with your mouth

2) It is never ok to think a blow job has been mutually satifiying for a woman, enough so that its then ok to roll over and go to sleep without making sure she gets her rocks off too. I liken this to the eating a nice tender juicy steak infront of a hungry person and handing them the empty plate

3) Anything more than 25 thrusts is technically diagnosed as premature and the hall markings of a premature ejaculator, if you are extra sensistive, whack off a few rounds beforehand or wear two condoms. No woman deserves one or two pokes and then a cuddle, no matter what she says. She wants to be poked into oblivion

4) Don't try and be complicated about it, a good missionary session is perfectly fine, if you start moving in all kinds of directions and lose rythym, she'll lose hers and there will be no chance of getting it back. She'll just start counting the cracks in the ceiling

5) When you kiss someone passionately, this requires tongue, but not the amount of saliva that would put niagra falls to shame. Kiss her on the lips, not the face, a good ole chin snog is not sexy and makes you feel you've been assaulted by a dog

6) When she says, 'thats good, I like that'. Keep doing it! Don't get ahead of yourself and think right that ticks a box, now onto next one. Girls need consistency to get off, not a game of bump the mouse on the head as many different times as you can

7) If she isn't moaning or groaning in delight, ask her what turns her on and what she'd like. If she is in charge of her own pleasure she'll point you in the right direction, which she probably has been doing all night, you just havent been listening because you were looking forward to a blow job or entering the gateway to pussy heaven

8) Regardless to what most porn demonstrates, women don't actually like being cum on in the face. Especially if it goes in their eye, it stings, it burns and it makes your eye red for two days. I know this. Fact. It's the least erotic thing for them, I would liken this to a girl wanting a guy to wear her lacy underwear and then making him wear a pad as well  to see how it feels because that turns her on. Hot prosepct isnt it?

9) Calling her a'dirty filthy whore' during coitus maximus does not in fact make her wild. It instead makes her brian start ticking over as to what you really think about her, thus inhibiting her from reaching a state of bliss. At the same time, no one wants a conversation while a schlong is going in and out of their woo woo. So keep it simple, 'baby's, 'yeahs' and 'your so hot' and 'fuck that feels good' are always welcome

10) Always give notice of when you are going to cum. Don't just deliver your jetstream and depart the runway without sufficient notice. It's not fair and its inconsiderate. Mutual orgasms at the same time is a rarity, but at least make sure she's close to the finish line before you discharge your starting pistol

just a few thoughts for those in a quandry..

Wednesday, 17 November 2010

the princess syndrome

I'm probably the only one who heard the news yesterday about kate and william's enagement and didn't do a little twirly dance and shout hurray.

No I suspect that with the royal wedding fever that is set to whip the world into a frothing frenzy, we will also see higher than normal outbreaks of the toxic princess syndrome.

Yes you know what it is. The high maintenance girls out there who have upteenth number of lists that their 'prince charming' must have in order for them to recieve a second bat of their eyelashes. They also demand aristocratic rights over their male partner and brainwash them to such a point that the man will make countless offerings at her temple including gifts and unconditional slavery, only for her to demand more.

Seeing Kate snag her prince charming couldn't have been a more woeful thing to happen for single women out there. I'm all for happy ever afters and romance, but with this to measure up to how can any girl's dreams of being happy with a normal guy in a normal life, survive? Suddenly quite a few of my aquaintances have started saying they'd say yes to nothing but a kate middleton replica ring. And so it begins...

Good on them and I hope Kate and Wills have more luck with it than his parents, but I have to say an ordinary girl snagging a prince is only going to perpuate the myth further. She'll become the every day woman's role model, especially as most of these girls grew up as young girls watching diana get wed. Such a shame that some of the most notable role models in the UK seem to be Katie Price at one end and Kate Middleton at the other. Realistic much?

As a fan of the royal family, but not a steadfast royalist, I have to ask, since when did aspiring to mimic or become royalty become a part of everyone's to do list? You coudn't pay me enough to be part of the incestous pool that is the royals. Yes the queen looks like a nice old duck, prince phillip looks like he'd be a laugh, like a dirty grandad telling rude jokes at every family gathering and harry looks like a right party animal you could share a spliff with out back. But really, would you really want it? All that pressure, all that attention, all that stifling rigidness and decorum? I dare say I wouldn't last 5 mins before I'd be ripping off my bodice and running down the halls with the corgis to go for a nudie run just to break free.

Personally if there is one emotion that I do feel about the pending nuptials, its pity. I feel for her, I'm sure she knows what she's getting into but god I wouldn't wish that kind of life on anyone. 

So just a day after the announcement I'm already seeing virtual tiara's remerging, diana reminiscing kicking of and the princesses starting to preen themselves. I predict an emergence of more sloany ponies than usual as they look for their ultimate prince - usually a cash laden hedgie. I also predict that more men than ever will be knocked back on than ever due to their shoes, unfashionable look and empty wallets.

So if I were Harry I'd watch out and run a mile at the first glance of a glinting tiara.

Friday, 12 November 2010

I'd like a scandal with my martini

I don't who first ever came up with the idea of  'after works drinks' but really they should be shot.

Mixing people who work with each other day in day out, with a couple of jugs of alcohol, sprinkle with measly snacks and simmer with a year's worth of niggling pet peeves and steaming office chemistry and you've got a dead set recipe for disaster.

From my own personal and colleague's experience (the last 24 hours as a case in point) here are some things you should never... ever.. ever do at a work drinks

1) Think that every table is a podium and must be danced on..

2) Grab your bosses bum and give it a slap several times while pretending to be a cowgirl

3) Participate in a dance off between yourself and the IT guy which involves breaking out the 'microwave', 'fish', 'Typewriter', 'burgular' and robot moves

4) Interupt every person's conversation at the drinks shouting 'stop talking, lets start dancing' or 'a little less conversation, a little more action'

5) Get carried away when Lady Marmalade comes on and do an impromtu strip tease, which involves trying to take the shirts off every male office colleague in the room

6) Take off your shoes and use them as props to aid your dancing

7) Request Bonnie Tylers 'Total eclipse of a heart' to the DJ 10 times over the course of one hour then do a karoke impersonation on one of the tables, serenading the ugliest guy in the room

8) Attempt to do the limbo without the stick in front of everyone in the room

9) Randomly grab the office crush and give him a pash in front of all the admin staff (ie biggest gossips ever known to man)

10) Proceed to vomit on crush's shoes straight after kiss


Monday, 8 November 2010

Add some Chile to your drama

What sounds better than five weddings and a funeral? Why five weddings and a porno of course. Well that's the latest to come out of the chilean mine disaster story, with one of the miners recently going on to compete in the new york marathon.

I thought I'd share a link to the story which provides a follow on to their lives which reads like a days of our lives real life soap opera. It includes endless family dramas, five proposals and weddings, red carpet trips, endorsements and planned film depictions – including a porno.

It's funny, if this had happened in the UK, the update would be slightly less entertaining. The headline would read more along the lines of 'freed british miners break record for most amount of fish and chips eaten in one sitting' or one of them might become the face of a tea company because they spent so much time down there drinking it

So perhaps its time we added a bit of Chile to our lives to spice it up? It wld certainly make life more interesting...