I'd like a scandal with my martini

I don't who first ever came up with the idea of  'after works drinks' but really they should be shot.

Mixing people who work with each other day in day out, with a couple of jugs of alcohol, sprinkle with measly snacks and simmer with a year's worth of niggling pet peeves and steaming office chemistry and you've got a dead set recipe for disaster.

From my own personal and colleague's experience (the last 24 hours as a case in point) here are some things you should never... ever.. ever do at a work drinks

1) Think that every table is a podium and must be danced on..

2) Grab your bosses bum and give it a slap several times while pretending to be a cowgirl

3) Participate in a dance off between yourself and the IT guy which involves breaking out the 'microwave', 'fish', 'Typewriter', 'burgular' and robot moves

4) Interupt every person's conversation at the drinks shouting 'stop talking, lets start dancing' or 'a little less conversation, a little more action'

5) Get carried away when Lady Marmalade comes on and do an impromtu strip tease, which involves trying to take the shirts off every male office colleague in the room

6) Take off your shoes and use them as props to aid your dancing

7) Request Bonnie Tylers 'Total eclipse of a heart' to the DJ 10 times over the course of one hour then do a karoke impersonation on one of the tables, serenading the ugliest guy in the room

8) Attempt to do the limbo without the stick in front of everyone in the room

9) Randomly grab the office crush and give him a pash in front of all the admin staff (ie biggest gossips ever known to man)

10) Proceed to vomit on crush's shoes straight after kiss

xx
jh

PUA = PUKEY

I've heard of the rumours of Pick Up Artists, I've read countless articles about their styles, moves and supposed successes but I'd never actually come up against one before. Until now that is and with new PUA schools setting up in scotland and over the UK its only a matter of time before they start making more appearances in the festive party scene...

One of my friends rang me up earlier to tell me about one of her experiences which I suspect is the direct result of PUA antics.

Let me set the scene:

S was with her friend and they were at the bar having just ordered a drink and noticed two men at the other end of bar. S and the guy in question shared a few smiles, winks and quite a few eye fucks. You know,  the type of look where they scan you up and down and practically throw you on the floor, then and there, and have their wicked way with you, just with their eyes.

he came over and proceeded to ignore her. Actually correct that, ignore her is a polite way of putting it, he turned his back to her and put all his attentions into the her friend. When S asked him questions he responded with one letter answers before giving her the berlin wall and turning his focus but to her friend and complimenting her endlessly.

To say she was baffled it was an understatement, and his friend was also being rather cold. She looked hot, (my words not hers), she wasn't a mess and can have a decent conversation so she had no clue why the change in tune.

Then all of a sudden, he switched from ston silence and threw a few veiled insults her way when she chimed in once or twice, ....ie.

GIQ(Guy in question) - So M, where have you been while you've lived in UK?
M (her friend) - Lots of places, but have to say my fave spot has been jordan, how about you?
GIQ - Definitely turkey, I love the place and the greek islands..
S - Oh I love the greek islands, my fave spot was corfu have you been there?
GIQ - no I haven't, I heard its a bit uppity, so not really my style... so I really like those earrings you are wearing M, they match your eyes
M: thank you, I got them today, me and s had a big shopping mission
S - yes we literally shopped til we dropped, and i also bought these boots
GIQ - (looks her up and down - twice and says) right. interesting choice
S - yes I like them, funkalicious I think
M: yes very cute
GIQ - Funny how girls think  some things look good and men don't

and it continued on like this for a while.. until S got sick of it and when to the ladies, when she came back, he'd changed his tune and again and started charming her, gently and subtly.. but as this was an australian girl she was having none of it and left with her mate and went home..

This I believe was the very stylings of a PUA. They find a good looking girl, play on her supposed and assumed insecurties and flatter her friends while ignoring her to get her completely in their control . So they can then work their magic so by the end they are grateful for the PUA's attention and will go home with them.

So  a little memo to PUA's out there... a) it doesn't work especially not on Australian women and only does on the bunny boilers b) if its bunny boilers you get then you get what you deserve c) it might catch you some women, but you'll never, ever.. land the good ones. If you want to spend of your life eating carp rather than salmon, then go for it.

xx
jh