I'm the first to put my hand up to say I jumped on board the Eat, Pray, Love train. Read it, watched it and was even tempted to buy the second book, 'committed'.
What's not to love? the food, the travel, the giving up of all responsibilities to gallivant around the world not to mention the hunky brazilian she hooks up with in the end.
But it kind of got me thinking, yes I really enjoyed the book, it was well written by someone who appears to be down to earth who has more than her fair share of baggage but why has it been so popular?
If you boil it down, it's basically a cashed up childress pre-menopausal woman who gets burnt out by wanting it all. She gets it all, the husband, the house, the coupley lifestyle only to realise she doesn't want it all in the end.
What makes a book about someone just picking up and doing what they want so popular? So inspiring? She didn't cure cancer, volunteer in uganda or overcome a physical challenge. She did everything for herself and good on her, but lets not put her on a pedestal, anyone can do that quite easily if they genuinely want to. If they are brave enough to put themselves first.The fact that it was such a huge thing in the eyes of women around the world to me is actually a bit of a shame. Sure it is an inspiration, but why the acclaim?
I don't mean to sound bitter, twisted or grumpy in general, but the fact that this book is so phenomenonly popular is because people just don't do what they really want and deep down. I'm sure some even vicariously lived through Liz and her adventures or even copied her travelling journey. But where is the pride or individuality in that? Are we so unsure of what we want that we blindly follow the exact example of someone who did something brave which was right for her and her alone.
I'm only 27 so I don't claim to know everything about the world, or how it works or how it will work in the future, but in my experience, the people I've met so far, somehow, along the way, have forgotten the things that make them who they are. The things that they want to do at the end of the day, or before they get up everyday. That is before work just gets in the way and the only thing that they feel like doing is to sit in front of the tv and watch Friends and Xfactor re-runs. That's what has made this book so bloody popular
When you spend the weekend and evenings late into the night working to meet deadlines instead of doing something which makes you smile you start to forget that making yourself happy is a choice.
And believe you me its not only a choice, but its a commitment. It's not something you can expect to arrive in your lap courtesy of the stork or tooth fairy.
What is different about the Eat, Love, Pray story is it came to such a point that she had to dump, cut and run. Why does it have to come to that?
The one thing I got out of the book which has stayed with me and will continue to was a italian saying. It goes like this: Every day for seven days a man goes to pray at the feet of a saint three times a day. Every time he offers the same prayer. "Please, please saint, please let me win the lottery'" He offers this prayer constantly, until finally on the 8th day the Saint breaks free in frustration of the cement holding him together and reaches down to the man and grabs him by the shoulders and says "Well son, please please, buy a ticket."
So I suppose my question is, do you have yours? And in case you didn't realise, a newly printed signed copy of Eat, Pray, Love is not and never will be the ticket...
xx
jh
Wednesday, 3 November 2010
Friday, 29 October 2010
Bumping uglies
Ok so the news that the first couple to have met on a dating website designed specifically for unfortunate looking people has really brought a whole new meaning to the term bumping uglies for me..
Good luck to them and I hope it all goes well but it has once again raised the literally ugly head of the unmentionable.. online dating. I'm no stranger to it and whether they'll admit it or not, neither are most people.
But I've honestly never found it much of a success, in fact I mainly found it full of freaks, bunny boilers (men and women), commitment phobes, stalkers, stalker wannabes, chronic and compulsive liars, lost souls, people with no friends and yes, unfortunate looking people. So I find it rather heartening actually that there is a site for those who look like they've been hit with the ugly stick, because perhaps they'll stop flooding the standard online dating scene.
Harsh I know, but fair. I recently joined and unjoined a few sites after reading the inspiring and funny book by sean thomas, a million women are waiting to meet you. It inspired courage and confidence in me so I gave Match.com, Antipodate and a few other sites a go. But before long honestly I began spending way too much time talking to and arranging to meet up with guys when I barely had enough time for me and catching up with my friends as it is most of the time!
What I find most annoying and actually really makes me quite cross about the online dating scene are the phrases that people use on their profile which are categorically untrue or just misleading in general.
Let me give some examples:
1) I'm looking for someone to make my life complete (ie. My life is a mess, I'm insecure and can't be without a partner to bicker with. I need a life buoy, hey you, you'll do)
2) I am not a big drinker and prefer quiet nights in with a book (ie.I have zero personality with no friends and have no social life, so should we hit it off I'll glom to you like an oyster. I also may be morbidly obese)
3) I'm an affectionate person and love to cuddle (ie.I am big on PDAs, in fact I may just glue my tongue to your ear while out in public. I like to lie in bed cuddling and talking about everything you are thinking about and what you ate today.)
4) I'm active and am always on the go ( ie. Either I am an adrenaline junkie and recovering speed addict who has replaced my habit with cycling, or I'm a liar and pretend to be busy when really I'm at home playing world of warcraft in my skidmarked undies)
5) Bubbly personality (ie. I pretend to be bubbly so no one will see my deep black hole inside. Get to know me and I'll introduce you to it, it's much nicer than being bubbly)
6) I say things as I see it and don't like games (ie. If you don't message me back straight away I will start text abusing you and post a photo of you online having sex with a moneky that I've done in photoshop)
7) I am down to earth and not high maintenance (ie.I don't believe in shaving my armpits, legs or bikini line, I haven't washed in days. The last time I coloured my hair was 5 years ago. I'm low maintenance because I'm not used to people paying attention to me)
8) I dont have the perfect body but I'm working on it (ie. The last time I considered myself thin was when I was 19 and I'm trying to get back to that weight, in between big macs and starving myself.)
9) My friends talked me into this and I'm just going to give it a go (ie. My friends are sick of me moan bout being single and having no life. In fact they are sick of me non stop and want to go back to having couple evenings)
10) I'm adventurous and love trying news things (ie. I'm kinky so you better keep up, I'll bring the whip you bring the paddle. Also quite like doing it oudoors, I hope you bring the insect repellant.)
11) I'm independent and am in control of my life (ie. secretly I'm wanting to be dominated in a me tarzan, you jane kind of way or I'm a dominatrix and will sleep with you on the first date, whether you are able to unpick the handcuffs when we're done is another story)
12) I don't usually do this kind of thing (ie. I actually have 9 profiles I currently manage as well as a profile on 'Adultbaby' where like minded people discuss their fetishes for wearing nappies during sex)
13) I love to laugh and have a good sense of humour (I have no personality and like to be entertained by others so I can pretend I have one or, I try to make people laugh to take the focus off my face.)
verdict: online dating is only for the very brave and foolish
xx
jh
Good luck to them and I hope it all goes well but it has once again raised the literally ugly head of the unmentionable.. online dating. I'm no stranger to it and whether they'll admit it or not, neither are most people.
But I've honestly never found it much of a success, in fact I mainly found it full of freaks, bunny boilers (men and women), commitment phobes, stalkers, stalker wannabes, chronic and compulsive liars, lost souls, people with no friends and yes, unfortunate looking people. So I find it rather heartening actually that there is a site for those who look like they've been hit with the ugly stick, because perhaps they'll stop flooding the standard online dating scene.
Harsh I know, but fair. I recently joined and unjoined a few sites after reading the inspiring and funny book by sean thomas, a million women are waiting to meet you. It inspired courage and confidence in me so I gave Match.com, Antipodate and a few other sites a go. But before long honestly I began spending way too much time talking to and arranging to meet up with guys when I barely had enough time for me and catching up with my friends as it is most of the time!
What I find most annoying and actually really makes me quite cross about the online dating scene are the phrases that people use on their profile which are categorically untrue or just misleading in general.
Let me give some examples:
1) I'm looking for someone to make my life complete (ie. My life is a mess, I'm insecure and can't be without a partner to bicker with. I need a life buoy, hey you, you'll do)
2) I am not a big drinker and prefer quiet nights in with a book (ie.I have zero personality with no friends and have no social life, so should we hit it off I'll glom to you like an oyster. I also may be morbidly obese)
3) I'm an affectionate person and love to cuddle (ie.I am big on PDAs, in fact I may just glue my tongue to your ear while out in public. I like to lie in bed cuddling and talking about everything you are thinking about and what you ate today.)
4) I'm active and am always on the go ( ie. Either I am an adrenaline junkie and recovering speed addict who has replaced my habit with cycling, or I'm a liar and pretend to be busy when really I'm at home playing world of warcraft in my skidmarked undies)
5) Bubbly personality (ie. I pretend to be bubbly so no one will see my deep black hole inside. Get to know me and I'll introduce you to it, it's much nicer than being bubbly)
6) I say things as I see it and don't like games (ie. If you don't message me back straight away I will start text abusing you and post a photo of you online having sex with a moneky that I've done in photoshop)
7) I am down to earth and not high maintenance (ie.I don't believe in shaving my armpits, legs or bikini line, I haven't washed in days. The last time I coloured my hair was 5 years ago. I'm low maintenance because I'm not used to people paying attention to me)
8) I dont have the perfect body but I'm working on it (ie. The last time I considered myself thin was when I was 19 and I'm trying to get back to that weight, in between big macs and starving myself.)
9) My friends talked me into this and I'm just going to give it a go (ie. My friends are sick of me moan bout being single and having no life. In fact they are sick of me non stop and want to go back to having couple evenings)
10) I'm adventurous and love trying news things (ie. I'm kinky so you better keep up, I'll bring the whip you bring the paddle. Also quite like doing it oudoors, I hope you bring the insect repellant.)
11) I'm independent and am in control of my life (ie. secretly I'm wanting to be dominated in a me tarzan, you jane kind of way or I'm a dominatrix and will sleep with you on the first date, whether you are able to unpick the handcuffs when we're done is another story)
12) I don't usually do this kind of thing (ie. I actually have 9 profiles I currently manage as well as a profile on 'Adultbaby' where like minded people discuss their fetishes for wearing nappies during sex)
13) I love to laugh and have a good sense of humour (I have no personality and like to be entertained by others so I can pretend I have one or, I try to make people laugh to take the focus off my face.)
verdict: online dating is only for the very brave and foolish
xx
jh
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
Learning the hard way x 10
While thinking about office romances and the many ones which have inadvertently gone awry I would like to share the top 10 lessons I've learnt the hard way:
1) Readjusting clothing and make up and hair after a mid day or mid morning nookie in work toilets is never sexy. There's nowhere to have a shower. You will smell of shagness all day and people will know it. Fact.
2) Nothing can ever be kept as 'friends' after the end of an office romance. That is just the cue for subversive flirting with others to make the ex jealous. Cue inappropriate clothes (the skirt with the longer split, cleaveage tops and etc). Also the increase in changing outfits before going out after work just to show them what they are missing. This always happens, embrace it and press the jealousy button to the max.
3) Playing with your pen seductively is not effective in meetings when you are trying to get the attention of your office amor to-be. It will only end up leaving an ink stain on your lips or getting it caught in your hair like I have. Nothing sexier than having a pen knotted in your hair and an ink stain on your lips. NOT
4) You might think your mutliple trips to water coler are not noticed, but they are. So 8 trips to the watercooler in one day either shows you have bunny boiler potential or have the water absorption of a camel
5) The walkway to the water cooler is not a catwalk. Strutting makes you look silly, refrain as best you can. However, sexy shoes are essential, if you don't have a pair buy some, otherwise trips to watercooler are forbidden. The best form of flirting is done through your feet. Fact
6) Restrict flirty emails to once a day. Sending 10 emails back to back on potential holiday places you'd think they'd like is not a way of flirting. Its called cyber workplace stalking. Also Sending him multiple pokes on facebook or your office IM is not cute. Its annoying
7) Having a spontaneous coitus maximus session in the office might sounds mighty sexy in fantasy, but it simply isn't possible in reality. It requires planning for when others aren't in office. And make sure if you make a random stop, out of office hours that there isn't video security footage filming your entry and exit. This is so when it comes down to finding out who is responsible for the stray condom wrapper left under the boardroom table it can't be pinned on you. On that note, there is a high degree of satisfaction that comes from doing the nasty on your boss's or superiors desk. You'll never look at boardroom or the office meetings the same way again.
8) Do not ever, ever ever tell anyone about it. Secret squirell all the way. Think of two ants under a microscope, frying under the glare of the sun. That would be you. Not fun at all.
9) Never ever ask a colleague out off the bat, casually invite them to group drinking scenarios so bonding, touching and more drinking can occur. Trying to 'date' properly in the office is just plain silly and awkward. Image first date nerves x 1000 all day ever day.
10) Keep calm. If they haven't called in a few days and yet they are sitting opposite you, remain calm and in control, nothing screams desperate more than emailing them every day to ask them how their day is or making up stories which detail your fantastic social exploits. No one is ever 'that' interesting out of the office.
11) additional note - always, I repeat, always keep a spare set of clothes at office, you never know what opportunity may crop up when you need a second pair of clothes because the shag against the male toilets led you falling into the urinal or from when you've been an all night stop out and need to avoid wearing the same clothes two days in a row.
I'm sure there are more but thats it for now
xx
jh
1) Readjusting clothing and make up and hair after a mid day or mid morning nookie in work toilets is never sexy. There's nowhere to have a shower. You will smell of shagness all day and people will know it. Fact.
2) Nothing can ever be kept as 'friends' after the end of an office romance. That is just the cue for subversive flirting with others to make the ex jealous. Cue inappropriate clothes (the skirt with the longer split, cleaveage tops and etc). Also the increase in changing outfits before going out after work just to show them what they are missing. This always happens, embrace it and press the jealousy button to the max.
3) Playing with your pen seductively is not effective in meetings when you are trying to get the attention of your office amor to-be. It will only end up leaving an ink stain on your lips or getting it caught in your hair like I have. Nothing sexier than having a pen knotted in your hair and an ink stain on your lips. NOT
4) You might think your mutliple trips to water coler are not noticed, but they are. So 8 trips to the watercooler in one day either shows you have bunny boiler potential or have the water absorption of a camel
5) The walkway to the water cooler is not a catwalk. Strutting makes you look silly, refrain as best you can. However, sexy shoes are essential, if you don't have a pair buy some, otherwise trips to watercooler are forbidden. The best form of flirting is done through your feet. Fact
6) Restrict flirty emails to once a day. Sending 10 emails back to back on potential holiday places you'd think they'd like is not a way of flirting. Its called cyber workplace stalking. Also Sending him multiple pokes on facebook or your office IM is not cute. Its annoying
7) Having a spontaneous coitus maximus session in the office might sounds mighty sexy in fantasy, but it simply isn't possible in reality. It requires planning for when others aren't in office. And make sure if you make a random stop, out of office hours that there isn't video security footage filming your entry and exit. This is so when it comes down to finding out who is responsible for the stray condom wrapper left under the boardroom table it can't be pinned on you. On that note, there is a high degree of satisfaction that comes from doing the nasty on your boss's or superiors desk. You'll never look at boardroom or the office meetings the same way again.
8) Do not ever, ever ever tell anyone about it. Secret squirell all the way. Think of two ants under a microscope, frying under the glare of the sun. That would be you. Not fun at all.
9) Never ever ask a colleague out off the bat, casually invite them to group drinking scenarios so bonding, touching and more drinking can occur. Trying to 'date' properly in the office is just plain silly and awkward. Image first date nerves x 1000 all day ever day.
10) Keep calm. If they haven't called in a few days and yet they are sitting opposite you, remain calm and in control, nothing screams desperate more than emailing them every day to ask them how their day is or making up stories which detail your fantastic social exploits. No one is ever 'that' interesting out of the office.
11) additional note - always, I repeat, always keep a spare set of clothes at office, you never know what opportunity may crop up when you need a second pair of clothes because the shag against the male toilets led you falling into the urinal or from when you've been an all night stop out and need to avoid wearing the same clothes two days in a row.
I'm sure there are more but thats it for now
xx
jh
Don't pee in the pool
Work crushes, office flings, romance via post it notes. Could it be any more romantic? I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever swooned at the water cooler at my dream man as he effeciently tidies his intray. When the thought of casual dress day makes your heart beat faster just at the prospect of seeing them in jeans. The taboo dress code for the office city worker Forget drunken pash and dashes in bars and pubs over london. The office is the place where most hearts are joined and broken these days. But it seems the recession has made a bit of a dent in the sucess of the office unions of late. This is despite currently having three friends at the moment in the throes of office related passion or desire.
Its such a phenomenon that there's sites dedciated to guides on how to survive with an office romance or how to make that dream co-worker, you're co-coitus maximus partner and just recently in london down its now been taken to the stage..
I'm in the throes of office desire as I write, well two desires actually. After a rather awkward slightly animalistic sex dream about a co-worker who I previously had not held any fanciful fantasies about I am now betwitched. I have resolved to strap myself to the desk, and not in a kinky way I'm afraid. That was for the boardroom a couple of years ago during another office fling which sadly went awry. No I'm determined not to let myself 'pee in the pool' as they say. Since the dream every nod, glance, laugh and sultry lift of the eyebrows has been beamed over to me as evidence of my crush being mutually held.
As if one crush is not enough, I also hold a tiny flame for a fellow office friend who is much akin to the office labrador. Friendly, jokey, always sending funny emails and up for random nights out drinking. But to make this story a real story, I've been his counsel as he tries to lure the girl of his dreams (of course she works with me as well) into his arms. It reads like a proverbial mills and boons I know but what is it about the office that makes it the breeding ground for crushes? It is the token familiarity and bond that people share with their coworkers, or is it our minds way of making the tedium of daily work endurable and providing a welcome distraction?
I really don't know but what I can say is that without a doubt I've had multiple work crushes at one point or another at every place I've worked. Most unrequited, some returned (case of the boardroom referenced above) and most generally die away.
I can site a million and one cases of office amor which has gone awry but it doesn't stop us trying does it? But at least I can be thankful I haven't done this!
So while I sit in my lunch hour with my unrequited, dishing out advice on how to win his ultimate water cooler crush, I'll also be thinking of that boardroom and what fun could be had....
there's always next week
xx
jh
Its such a phenomenon that there's sites dedciated to guides on how to survive with an office romance or how to make that dream co-worker, you're co-coitus maximus partner and just recently in london down its now been taken to the stage..
I'm in the throes of office desire as I write, well two desires actually. After a rather awkward slightly animalistic sex dream about a co-worker who I previously had not held any fanciful fantasies about I am now betwitched. I have resolved to strap myself to the desk, and not in a kinky way I'm afraid. That was for the boardroom a couple of years ago during another office fling which sadly went awry. No I'm determined not to let myself 'pee in the pool' as they say. Since the dream every nod, glance, laugh and sultry lift of the eyebrows has been beamed over to me as evidence of my crush being mutually held.
As if one crush is not enough, I also hold a tiny flame for a fellow office friend who is much akin to the office labrador. Friendly, jokey, always sending funny emails and up for random nights out drinking. But to make this story a real story, I've been his counsel as he tries to lure the girl of his dreams (of course she works with me as well) into his arms. It reads like a proverbial mills and boons I know but what is it about the office that makes it the breeding ground for crushes? It is the token familiarity and bond that people share with their coworkers, or is it our minds way of making the tedium of daily work endurable and providing a welcome distraction?
I really don't know but what I can say is that without a doubt I've had multiple work crushes at one point or another at every place I've worked. Most unrequited, some returned (case of the boardroom referenced above) and most generally die away.
I can site a million and one cases of office amor which has gone awry but it doesn't stop us trying does it? But at least I can be thankful I haven't done this!
So while I sit in my lunch hour with my unrequited, dishing out advice on how to win his ultimate water cooler crush, I'll also be thinking of that boardroom and what fun could be had....
there's always next week
xx
jh
Friday, 22 October 2010
Groans in the night...
I'm the first to admit that when I'm in the throes of passion I can sometimes get a bit carried away. Ok not just a bit, it's led to broken bed frames, glasses, bruises and a little bit of rough and tumble.
So perhaps this is my way of being punished. Nearly every person I have flatshared with has admitted after the fact that they could hear me as I engaged in coitus maximus with whatever partner or part time lover I had at the time. In fact one friend told me I ruined a particular snow patrol song for her because for some reason, and I can't even recall the song or CD, but apparently me and my amor used to put on the same CD everytime we got it on and it would always start off on that same song..
Shame I know. But now the sex god of noise karma seems to be getting his own back on me. My flatmate and her BF of about 8 months have recently turned into the proverbial rooting rabbits. This wouldn't bother me so much except for the hours they keep. They obviously get it on before bedtime and I put in my earplugs, but its a little bit hard not to notice when its making your own bedframe shake. What perhaps I find even more annoying is the fact it only lasts a mere 4 mins most times. What could be more insulting than that? I would be asking for a match re-play myself. I guarantee those moans and groans she makes is only of her just getting started up..
But perhaps what has become even more frustrating is that they then bizzarely get it on at 3am and go for it again. Only this time the noise is even louder and more noticeable. This isn't just a once off either, it has happened for the last 6 days in a row. I wouldnt be so annoyed if it at least lasted a decent amount of time, but instead it lasts 3-4 mins and then I'm wide awake and can't get back to sleep. So I stepped up the offensive last night. Time to talk tactics. When 3am came around again and they woke me up, yet again, I got out my Ipod and put it on at the loudest level to a mood killing song if ever I heard one. Prince's 'Cream' to let them know a) I could most definitely hear them b) to put them off and c) let them know that their noises are about as tacky and impressive as Prince's cream song.. and it worked. It killed the mood and lasted no longer than 2 mins before petering out.
When I got up this morning with a smile on my face I was greeted by grumpy faces in the kitchen. When I went back into my room they tried to start up again and I put on Tom Jones 'You can leave your hat on' and once again stopped coitus maximus loudious in its tracks.
Yes I'm a party pooper perhaps, everyone should enjoy their bit of rough and tumble in the sack but not at the cost of the sleep of others. If you do, prepare for a battle of wills and when its up against me, I can promise you will be the loser.
xx
jh
So perhaps this is my way of being punished. Nearly every person I have flatshared with has admitted after the fact that they could hear me as I engaged in coitus maximus with whatever partner or part time lover I had at the time. In fact one friend told me I ruined a particular snow patrol song for her because for some reason, and I can't even recall the song or CD, but apparently me and my amor used to put on the same CD everytime we got it on and it would always start off on that same song..
Shame I know. But now the sex god of noise karma seems to be getting his own back on me. My flatmate and her BF of about 8 months have recently turned into the proverbial rooting rabbits. This wouldn't bother me so much except for the hours they keep. They obviously get it on before bedtime and I put in my earplugs, but its a little bit hard not to notice when its making your own bedframe shake. What perhaps I find even more annoying is the fact it only lasts a mere 4 mins most times. What could be more insulting than that? I would be asking for a match re-play myself. I guarantee those moans and groans she makes is only of her just getting started up..
But perhaps what has become even more frustrating is that they then bizzarely get it on at 3am and go for it again. Only this time the noise is even louder and more noticeable. This isn't just a once off either, it has happened for the last 6 days in a row. I wouldnt be so annoyed if it at least lasted a decent amount of time, but instead it lasts 3-4 mins and then I'm wide awake and can't get back to sleep. So I stepped up the offensive last night. Time to talk tactics. When 3am came around again and they woke me up, yet again, I got out my Ipod and put it on at the loudest level to a mood killing song if ever I heard one. Prince's 'Cream' to let them know a) I could most definitely hear them b) to put them off and c) let them know that their noises are about as tacky and impressive as Prince's cream song.. and it worked. It killed the mood and lasted no longer than 2 mins before petering out.
When I got up this morning with a smile on my face I was greeted by grumpy faces in the kitchen. When I went back into my room they tried to start up again and I put on Tom Jones 'You can leave your hat on' and once again stopped coitus maximus loudious in its tracks.
Yes I'm a party pooper perhaps, everyone should enjoy their bit of rough and tumble in the sack but not at the cost of the sleep of others. If you do, prepare for a battle of wills and when its up against me, I can promise you will be the loser.
xx
jh
Monday, 18 October 2010
3 dates in 3 days
Ok so I've clearly pleaded once or twice to the love and dating karma gods to deliver on the man front, particularly the romantic man front mainly as all girls do from time to time. Only this time they appear to have delivered.
In the last three days I have been approached by three separate guys for dates. Flattering yes. Exciting yes. Unexpectedly annoying yes.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful nor petty nor one of those girls who have impossible standards designed to intimidate, frighten and self consciously ensure your unhappiness for the rest of your life. Not at all. It's just that there's something missing. With all three.
How can this be? Am I just being asked out by the wrong guys? I am the first to admit that I've often felt like I had the word A tattoed on my chest to attract either Adulterers, Asshats or Animals. Only it seems this time to have changed to 'Mr Very Nice and Want to Romance the Pants of off You', who have the sexual appeal of a dishrag.
All the men (how awful does that sound!), who asked for my phone number, asked nicely, I hadn't been overly flirting or even all that interested. Nor did I lead them on. One on a bus, one on a tube and one at a pub. All unexpectedly. But being the girl I am and always saying yes to new opportunities I happily gave my number thinking why not, what harm can come to it.They all seemed like nice men, all be a little bit desperate.
Only now I have been on the recieving end of countless messages from all three, lets call them Larry, Harry and Barry. All have been asking me to go to french restaurants with them, go kayaking, go on picnics and pub crawls. All very nice, but it doesn't make my heart beat faster when I think of them. Wouldn't a quick drink suffice? Why the constant text banter pretending they know you or who you are? I thought that was the purpose of dating, to get to know someone and not presume? It all a big fat turn off for me. I don't want to be wined and dined because I'm a woman and they want one and any variety will do.
I don't even get flustered or smiley when I get a message from them, in fact I forgot to respond to one for a whole day. Not deliberately, but I just had a busy day and they weren't high on my radar. Verdict is - no tummy tickles, where you feel that spark of excitement at what might or could be just around the corner.
Nada. Zip. Zilch.
So now, because I don't feel any of that spark I'm facing the prospect of turning down not just one guy, but three guys, in three days all down to chemistry. I fear this will tempt the rath of the dating karma gods immensely as well. I asked for it didn't I? They delivered didn't they? And yet I turn down the offerings.
You would think recieving 3 date offers in 3 days would make any girl feel special but instead I feel the opposite, I want to hide under my bed for a week. But better to end things now rather than lead anyone on. My theory is, when its right, it feels right. And this feels like it should feel right, but at the same time feels very wrong. And not wrong in the good way.
So goodbye Larry, Harry and Barry and hello bed.
At least there is always bob, he can't give cuddles but he can sure put a smile on a girls face.
xx
jh
In the last three days I have been approached by three separate guys for dates. Flattering yes. Exciting yes. Unexpectedly annoying yes.
I don't mean to sound ungrateful nor petty nor one of those girls who have impossible standards designed to intimidate, frighten and self consciously ensure your unhappiness for the rest of your life. Not at all. It's just that there's something missing. With all three.
How can this be? Am I just being asked out by the wrong guys? I am the first to admit that I've often felt like I had the word A tattoed on my chest to attract either Adulterers, Asshats or Animals. Only it seems this time to have changed to 'Mr Very Nice and Want to Romance the Pants of off You', who have the sexual appeal of a dishrag.
All the men (how awful does that sound!), who asked for my phone number, asked nicely, I hadn't been overly flirting or even all that interested. Nor did I lead them on. One on a bus, one on a tube and one at a pub. All unexpectedly. But being the girl I am and always saying yes to new opportunities I happily gave my number thinking why not, what harm can come to it.They all seemed like nice men, all be a little bit desperate.
Only now I have been on the recieving end of countless messages from all three, lets call them Larry, Harry and Barry. All have been asking me to go to french restaurants with them, go kayaking, go on picnics and pub crawls. All very nice, but it doesn't make my heart beat faster when I think of them. Wouldn't a quick drink suffice? Why the constant text banter pretending they know you or who you are? I thought that was the purpose of dating, to get to know someone and not presume? It all a big fat turn off for me. I don't want to be wined and dined because I'm a woman and they want one and any variety will do.
I don't even get flustered or smiley when I get a message from them, in fact I forgot to respond to one for a whole day. Not deliberately, but I just had a busy day and they weren't high on my radar. Verdict is - no tummy tickles, where you feel that spark of excitement at what might or could be just around the corner.
Nada. Zip. Zilch.
So now, because I don't feel any of that spark I'm facing the prospect of turning down not just one guy, but three guys, in three days all down to chemistry. I fear this will tempt the rath of the dating karma gods immensely as well. I asked for it didn't I? They delivered didn't they? And yet I turn down the offerings.
You would think recieving 3 date offers in 3 days would make any girl feel special but instead I feel the opposite, I want to hide under my bed for a week. But better to end things now rather than lead anyone on. My theory is, when its right, it feels right. And this feels like it should feel right, but at the same time feels very wrong. And not wrong in the good way.
So goodbye Larry, Harry and Barry and hello bed.
At least there is always bob, he can't give cuddles but he can sure put a smile on a girls face.
xx
jh
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Guessing my bra size is not the way to my heart..
After watching some of the Sevendays series on channel4 this week, where one of the girls, Samantha braves speed dating for the first time, got me thinking about some other disasters I've had when its come to speed dating. And unlike Samantha, I've been on more than one speed dating adventure.
The experience I'm thinking about is the the most recent one. A night in soho (yet again) at a big speed dating group event (more than 300) so the odds have got to be good haven't they?
There were several options on the night:
a) go in the speed dating circle area and mingle in your alloted 2 mins, chancing an encounter with Mr right or Mr very very wrong
b) Wander around looking awkward, grasping your drink like a life bouy while also trying to look interesting enough for someone to have a conversation with
c) or go check out the flirtwall (where photos of everyone attending is up) and rate the talent or lack there of and cast a surreptious look at your own to see if any messages had been left
d) Or better yet play random games . By games I don't mean whips and handcuffs, although that would give an interesting twist to the evening. No games as in the girls wear locks around their necks and boys have keys and each try to see if their's 'fits'.
All these are supposed to be conversation starters but on more than one occasion I felt my lock had been violated. Naturally, the lock hung down low on my chest, nestled amongst the impressive clevage I had broken out just for tonight. Several incredibly shy men would come up with hands and arms outstretched reaching for my chest. The first couple I swatted away thinking they were planning a feel up mission. Until I clicked that they were after my lock, not my nipples for the world's most painful nipple cripple. (Flashbacks from my childhood still haunt me) I was surprised by all this, really, shouldn't you ask my name first before we start sharing parts or putting our bits together? You would think so, but apparently not.
So when the bell rings to start the speed dating session it's safe to say I was more than mildly relieved that men wouldn't be grasping for my chest for the next half an hour.
Contestant No 1: So how old are you? (clearly he's decided to dispense with niceities and just jump right in)
Me: Ermm 26, how about you?
Contestant No 1:So how do you feel about babies?
Me: Erm.. what do you mean?
Contestant No 1: How do you feel about them?
Me: (I honestly can't for the life of me keep up, he's clearly ascertained that I'm still of child bearing quality so he's decided to find out if I want one, but I can't quite believe he's going there and so when in doubt, I respond with funny:) What as, seeing you dressed up as one?
Contestant No 1: No as in having one? (He says this deadpan, no giggle no smile. Tough crowd)
Me: Umm, one day maybe..
Contestant No 1: No with me... in the next six months
Me: Ahherm what?
Contestant No 1: With me.. in the next six months or so..
Me: ahh no, I don't think so, I dont even know you
Contestant No 1: Well we have nothing further to talk about then.
Strike 1
Contestant No 2: Hello there J, nice to meet you
Me: Hi M, are you having a good night so far?
Contestant No 2: Yeah it's going alright, free drinks are going down well aren't they and theres some alright looking birds here
Me: Yes it looks like its going to be a good night
Contestant No 2: So you're a bit of a big girl aren't you.. I'd say..(I cut him off at this point)
Me: Excuse me?? (Telling any girl she is big is never, ever a compliment. Even if it's to say her smile is big. Boys please note.)
Contestant No 2: Sorry, that's rude of me, it's just that it's the first thing I think of because of the work I do
Me: What work do you do? (Still not impressed, but willing to investigate the origin of his rudeness)
Contestant No 2: Oh I make bras, I design them and have my own website (this is a guy who is rather tubby, in his late 30s with a porn star moustache.. seriously?)
Me: Well do you offer two for ones? (Clearly not taking him seriously)
Contestant No 2: Yeah of course we do.. I'd say you are a 38F
Me: Wrong buddy
Contestant No 2: Clearly you aren't wearing the right bra then
Me: Pretty sure I'm going to go with the La Sensa bra measuring expert over a guy I met in a bar. Sorry
Contestant No 2: I've got some really nice red ones which would look good on you
Me: Sorry but I'm going to point out the obvious here mate, but talking about bras, is not suitable dating conversation for someone you've just met. But what I can suggest for you though is a visit to the library
Contestant No 2: Well you asked, I'm just making conversation. What? Why the library?
Me: To borrow out Dating for dummies.. Ok so I think this is where I say next?
Strike 2
Contestant No 3: So J, what's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?
Me: Just trying out something new, go pain, no gain or something like that
Contestant No 3: But seriously, why are you single?
Me: Well that's a million dollar question, why don't you ask me something a bit more simple like my favourite food or something?
Contestant No 3: No really, I want to know your dreams, your hopes, your life. Tell me everything from day one
Me: Ahh what? As in from birth?
Contestant No 3: Yes I want to see the real J
Me: (I've kind of had it by about now and think you know what, I'm a bit sick of the loonyville I'm currently trapped in and decide, its time to turn my looniness up a notch.) Well my story is a bit complicated and not overly happy (I say with a mock sad face and downcast eyes)
Contestant No 3: Go on, go on...lets get down to the real J
Me: Well I was born Jason and it wasn't until I was 5 that I realised I wanted to be a woman. My parents were very supportive and I changed my name to J when I was 16 and have just completed my gender reassignment transistion. I'm ready to meet a man, I have all the right parts and deep down I'm a girl through and through
(Cue silence.. dead silence, his mouth is set in an O and it doesn't look like its going to change anytime soon. His eyes are like saucers, I'm pretty sure if I poked one, it would spin around on the spot. He seems to stopped breathing and his hands have moved really far away from me, to the otherside of his lap, looking unnaturally like he's trying to do some kind of back stretch. I know I've just comitted social suicide but its just so damn enjoyable.)
Contestant No 3: Ahh.. well thats.... interesting
Me: Oh I knew you'd understand. I knew it from the moment I saw you that we'd connected. Now you know it all. What about you? What led you to become you, tell me all your dreams and how I can make them come true (I flutter my eyelashes at the end, playing the act of a bonafide bunny boiler. This is far too enjoyable, I should have broken the crazy out much much earlier in the evening)
Contestant No 3: Ahhemm.. well you see, actually I need to go to the bathroom, do you mind?
Me: Oh not at all, I might join you. (His face was a sheer mask of horror). The ladies of course
Contestant No 3: Of course, well nice to meet you
Me: Oh very nice to meet you, I'll come find you later to hav ea proper chat
Contestant No 3: (cue awkard hiccup of a laugh and the fastest exit I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure he didn't stop running until he'd jumped on the piccadilly line tube)
Strike 3....
I know that was a tad mean of me, but it was possibly one of the most exhausting but hilarious nights I ever had. It makes you realise all the many faces people put on when they are dating and how these mask the many other truths beneath. I had fun, that much is for sure, I'm sure there are a few who are mildly traumatised by my actions and I do apologise. I certainly was not born a man and I am not even the slightest bit infected with bunny boiler syndrome.
Verdict on speed dating: 8 parts crazy, 2 parts sane. In my eyes I consider it to be akin to social russian roulette. Only for the brave, stupid and gamblers. Those with weak stomachs should stay home and watch re-runs of sleepless in seattle or pride and prejudice.
xx
jh
The experience I'm thinking about is the the most recent one. A night in soho (yet again) at a big speed dating group event (more than 300) so the odds have got to be good haven't they?
There were several options on the night:
a) go in the speed dating circle area and mingle in your alloted 2 mins, chancing an encounter with Mr right or Mr very very wrong
b) Wander around looking awkward, grasping your drink like a life bouy while also trying to look interesting enough for someone to have a conversation with
c) or go check out the flirtwall (where photos of everyone attending is up) and rate the talent or lack there of and cast a surreptious look at your own to see if any messages had been left
d) Or better yet play random games . By games I don't mean whips and handcuffs, although that would give an interesting twist to the evening. No games as in the girls wear locks around their necks and boys have keys and each try to see if their's 'fits'.
All these are supposed to be conversation starters but on more than one occasion I felt my lock had been violated. Naturally, the lock hung down low on my chest, nestled amongst the impressive clevage I had broken out just for tonight. Several incredibly shy men would come up with hands and arms outstretched reaching for my chest. The first couple I swatted away thinking they were planning a feel up mission. Until I clicked that they were after my lock, not my nipples for the world's most painful nipple cripple. (Flashbacks from my childhood still haunt me) I was surprised by all this, really, shouldn't you ask my name first before we start sharing parts or putting our bits together? You would think so, but apparently not.
So when the bell rings to start the speed dating session it's safe to say I was more than mildly relieved that men wouldn't be grasping for my chest for the next half an hour.
Contestant No 1: So how old are you? (clearly he's decided to dispense with niceities and just jump right in)
Me: Ermm 26, how about you?
Contestant No 1:So how do you feel about babies?
Me: Erm.. what do you mean?
Contestant No 1: How do you feel about them?
Me: (I honestly can't for the life of me keep up, he's clearly ascertained that I'm still of child bearing quality so he's decided to find out if I want one, but I can't quite believe he's going there and so when in doubt, I respond with funny:) What as, seeing you dressed up as one?
Contestant No 1: No as in having one? (He says this deadpan, no giggle no smile. Tough crowd)
Me: Umm, one day maybe..
Contestant No 1: No with me... in the next six months
Me: Ahherm what?
Contestant No 1: With me.. in the next six months or so..
Me: ahh no, I don't think so, I dont even know you
Contestant No 1: Well we have nothing further to talk about then.
Strike 1
Contestant No 2: Hello there J, nice to meet you
Me: Hi M, are you having a good night so far?
Contestant No 2: Yeah it's going alright, free drinks are going down well aren't they and theres some alright looking birds here
Me: Yes it looks like its going to be a good night
Contestant No 2: So you're a bit of a big girl aren't you.. I'd say..(I cut him off at this point)
Me: Excuse me?? (Telling any girl she is big is never, ever a compliment. Even if it's to say her smile is big. Boys please note.)
Contestant No 2: Sorry, that's rude of me, it's just that it's the first thing I think of because of the work I do
Me: What work do you do? (Still not impressed, but willing to investigate the origin of his rudeness)
Contestant No 2: Oh I make bras, I design them and have my own website (this is a guy who is rather tubby, in his late 30s with a porn star moustache.. seriously?)
Me: Well do you offer two for ones? (Clearly not taking him seriously)
Contestant No 2: Yeah of course we do.. I'd say you are a 38F
Me: Wrong buddy
Contestant No 2: Clearly you aren't wearing the right bra then
Me: Pretty sure I'm going to go with the La Sensa bra measuring expert over a guy I met in a bar. Sorry
Contestant No 2: I've got some really nice red ones which would look good on you
Me: Sorry but I'm going to point out the obvious here mate, but talking about bras, is not suitable dating conversation for someone you've just met. But what I can suggest for you though is a visit to the library
Contestant No 2: Well you asked, I'm just making conversation. What? Why the library?
Me: To borrow out Dating for dummies.. Ok so I think this is where I say next?
Strike 2
Contestant No 3: So J, what's a pretty girl like you doing in a place like this?
Me: Just trying out something new, go pain, no gain or something like that
Contestant No 3: But seriously, why are you single?
Me: Well that's a million dollar question, why don't you ask me something a bit more simple like my favourite food or something?
Contestant No 3: No really, I want to know your dreams, your hopes, your life. Tell me everything from day one
Me: Ahh what? As in from birth?
Contestant No 3: Yes I want to see the real J
Me: (I've kind of had it by about now and think you know what, I'm a bit sick of the loonyville I'm currently trapped in and decide, its time to turn my looniness up a notch.) Well my story is a bit complicated and not overly happy (I say with a mock sad face and downcast eyes)
Contestant No 3: Go on, go on...lets get down to the real J
Me: Well I was born Jason and it wasn't until I was 5 that I realised I wanted to be a woman. My parents were very supportive and I changed my name to J when I was 16 and have just completed my gender reassignment transistion. I'm ready to meet a man, I have all the right parts and deep down I'm a girl through and through
(Cue silence.. dead silence, his mouth is set in an O and it doesn't look like its going to change anytime soon. His eyes are like saucers, I'm pretty sure if I poked one, it would spin around on the spot. He seems to stopped breathing and his hands have moved really far away from me, to the otherside of his lap, looking unnaturally like he's trying to do some kind of back stretch. I know I've just comitted social suicide but its just so damn enjoyable.)
Contestant No 3: Ahh.. well thats.... interesting
Me: Oh I knew you'd understand. I knew it from the moment I saw you that we'd connected. Now you know it all. What about you? What led you to become you, tell me all your dreams and how I can make them come true (I flutter my eyelashes at the end, playing the act of a bonafide bunny boiler. This is far too enjoyable, I should have broken the crazy out much much earlier in the evening)
Contestant No 3: Ahhemm.. well you see, actually I need to go to the bathroom, do you mind?
Me: Oh not at all, I might join you. (His face was a sheer mask of horror). The ladies of course
Contestant No 3: Of course, well nice to meet you
Me: Oh very nice to meet you, I'll come find you later to hav ea proper chat
Contestant No 3: (cue awkard hiccup of a laugh and the fastest exit I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure he didn't stop running until he'd jumped on the piccadilly line tube)
Strike 3....
I know that was a tad mean of me, but it was possibly one of the most exhausting but hilarious nights I ever had. It makes you realise all the many faces people put on when they are dating and how these mask the many other truths beneath. I had fun, that much is for sure, I'm sure there are a few who are mildly traumatised by my actions and I do apologise. I certainly was not born a man and I am not even the slightest bit infected with bunny boiler syndrome.
Verdict on speed dating: 8 parts crazy, 2 parts sane. In my eyes I consider it to be akin to social russian roulette. Only for the brave, stupid and gamblers. Those with weak stomachs should stay home and watch re-runs of sleepless in seattle or pride and prejudice.
xx
jh
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