Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Learning the hard way x 10

While thinking about office romances and the many ones which have inadvertently gone awry I would like to share the top 10 lessons I've learnt the hard way:

1) Readjusting clothing and make up and hair after a mid day or mid morning nookie in work toilets is never sexy. There's nowhere to have a shower. You will smell of shagness all day and people will know it. Fact.

2) Nothing can ever be kept as 'friends' after the end of an office romance. That is just the cue for subversive flirting with others to make the ex jealous. Cue inappropriate clothes (the skirt with the longer split, cleaveage tops and etc). Also the increase in changing outfits before going out after work just to show them what they are missing. This always happens, embrace it and press the jealousy button to the max.

3) Playing with your pen seductively is not effective in meetings when you are trying to get the attention of your office amor to-be. It will only end up leaving an ink stain on your lips or getting it caught in your hair like I have. Nothing sexier than having a pen knotted in your hair and an ink stain on your lips. NOT

4) You might think your mutliple trips to water coler are not noticed, but they are. So 8 trips to the watercooler in one day either shows you have bunny boiler potential or have the water absorption of a camel

5) The walkway to the water cooler is not a catwalk. Strutting makes you look silly, refrain as best you can. However, sexy shoes are essential, if you don't have a pair buy some, otherwise trips to watercooler are forbidden. The best form of flirting is done through your feet. Fact

6) Restrict flirty emails to once a day. Sending 10 emails back to back on potential holiday places you'd think they'd like is not a way of flirting. Its called cyber workplace stalking. Also Sending him multiple pokes on facebook or your office IM is not cute. Its annoying

7) Having a spontaneous coitus maximus session in the office might sounds mighty sexy in fantasy, but it simply isn't possible in reality. It requires planning for when others aren't in office. And make sure if you make a random stop, out of office hours that there isn't video security footage filming your entry and exit. This is so when it comes down to finding out who is responsible for the stray condom wrapper left under the boardroom table it can't be pinned on you. On that note, there is a high degree of satisfaction that comes from doing the nasty on your boss's or superiors desk. You'll never look at boardroom or the office meetings the same way again.

8) Do not ever, ever ever tell anyone about it. Secret squirell all the way. Think of two ants under a microscope, frying under the glare of the sun. That would be you. Not fun at all.

9) Never ever ask a colleague out off the bat, casually invite them to group drinking scenarios so bonding, touching and more drinking can occur. Trying to 'date' properly in the office is just plain silly and awkward. Image first date nerves x 1000 all day ever day.

10) Keep calm. If they haven't called in a few days and yet they are sitting opposite you, remain calm and in control, nothing screams desperate more than emailing them every day to ask them how their day is or making up stories which detail your fantastic social exploits. No one is ever 'that' interesting out of the office.

11) additional note - always, I repeat, always keep a spare set of clothes at office, you never know what opportunity may crop up when you need a second pair of clothes because the shag against the male toilets led you falling into the urinal or from when you've been an all night stop out and need to avoid wearing the same clothes two days in a row.

I'm sure there are more but thats it for now

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