Friday, 29 October 2010

Bumping uglies

Ok so the news that the first couple to have met on a dating website designed specifically for unfortunate looking people has really brought a whole new meaning to the term bumping uglies for me..

Good luck to them and I hope it all goes well but it has once again raised the literally ugly head of the unmentionable.. online dating. I'm no stranger to it and whether they'll admit it or not, neither are most people.

But I've honestly never found it much of a success, in fact I mainly found it full of freaks, bunny boilers (men and women), commitment phobes, stalkers, stalker wannabes, chronic and compulsive liars, lost souls, people with no friends and yes, unfortunate looking people. So I find it rather heartening actually that there is a site for those who look like they've been hit with the ugly stick, because perhaps they'll stop flooding the standard online dating scene.

Harsh I know, but fair. I recently joined and unjoined a few sites after reading the inspiring and funny book by sean thomas, a million women are waiting to meet you. It inspired courage and confidence in me so I gave, Antipodate and a few other sites a go. But before long honestly I began spending way too much time talking to and arranging to meet up with guys when I barely had enough time for me and catching up with my friends as it is most of the time!

What I find most annoying and actually really makes me quite cross about the online dating scene are the phrases that people use on their profile which are categorically untrue or just misleading in general.

Let me give some examples:

1) I'm looking for someone to make my life complete (ie. My life is a mess, I'm insecure and can't be without a partner to bicker with. I need a life buoy, hey you, you'll do)

2) I am not a big drinker and prefer quiet nights in with a book  (ie.I have zero personality with no friends and have no social life, so should we hit it off I'll glom to you like an oyster. I also may be morbidly obese)

3) I'm an affectionate person and love to cuddle (ie.I am big on PDAs, in fact I may just glue my tongue to your ear while out in public. I like to lie in bed cuddling and talking about everything you are thinking about and what you ate today.)

4) I'm active and am always on the go ( ie. Either I am an adrenaline junkie and recovering speed addict who has replaced my habit with cycling, or I'm a liar and pretend to be busy when really I'm at home playing world of warcraft in my skidmarked undies)

5) Bubbly personality (ie. I  pretend to be bubbly so no one will see my deep black hole inside. Get to know me and I'll introduce you to it, it's much nicer than being bubbly)

6) I say things as I see it and don't like games (ie. If you don't message me back straight away I will start text abusing you and post a photo of you online having sex with a moneky that I've done in photoshop)

7) I am down to earth and not high maintenance (ie.I don't believe in shaving my armpits, legs or bikini line, I haven't washed in days. The last time I coloured my hair was 5 years ago. I'm low maintenance because I'm not used to people paying attention to me)

8) I dont have the perfect body but I'm working on it (ie. The last time I considered myself thin was when I was 19 and I'm trying to get back to that weight, in between big macs and starving myself.)

9) My friends talked me into this and I'm just going to give it a go (ie. My friends are sick of me moan bout being single and having no life. In fact they are sick of me non stop and want to go back to having couple evenings)

10) I'm adventurous and love trying news things (ie. I'm kinky so you better keep up, I'll bring the whip you bring the paddle. Also quite like doing it oudoors, I hope you bring the insect repellant.)

11) I'm independent and am in control of my life (ie. secretly I'm wanting to be dominated in a me tarzan, you jane kind of way or I'm a dominatrix and will sleep with you on the first date, whether you are able to unpick the handcuffs when we're done is another story)

12) I don't usually do this kind of thing (ie. I actually have 9 profiles I currently manage as well as a profile on 'Adultbaby' where like minded people discuss their fetishes for wearing nappies during sex)

13) I love to laugh and have a good sense of humour (I have no personality and like to be entertained by others so I can pretend I have one or, I try to make people laugh to take the focus off my face.)

verdict: online dating is only for the very brave and foolish


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